THE ANSWER IS: NO

It's no...just as I suspected.

Interestingly I was with my entire family when I got the news (well, everyone but my sister Cheryl who lives an hour away). I was at my parent's house, moving some of our stuff into their basement, and my sister Eileen (due in two months!) was there when I checked the messages at home and got word to "call the clinic."

I was so prepared for the no that I ended up comforting the woman on the other end of the phone, who apologized a hundred times. I ended up comforting my mom and sister, who were both crying for me. In a way, I am eerily calm.

I think it is because I am just SO OVER IT.

I'm sad, I'm pissed, but I am okay, because I am almost done. I haven't got much fight left in me, and besides, Anthony and I have worked out a new roadmap which is our big Plan B. We don't love it, it certainly wasn't our first choice, but it is all I am capable of anymore.

Anthony's mother offered him a ticket to tonight's Sox game. I heard him turn it down "because of our news," etc., not wanting to leave me home alone, all sad, etc. I INSISTED that he go to the game. It's the friggin' Sox/Yankees playoffs, and he is hurting too. I don't want to keep him from that.

And the truth is, I am all right. I've got packing to do, I am going to order up some Chinese food and have a nice bottle of wine and start formulating my game-plan, calendar and strategy for our Plan B. It is going to be okay.

In a weird way, with IVF #1 over, I almost feel as though I have been liberated - as though a heavy burden has been removed from my shoulders. I can stop worrying. I can go get some exercise and think about what it would be like to get this body into shape again.

I feel like maybe, just maybe, I can start to LIVE again.

It's going to be okay.

ONE DOWN, TWO TO GO

We sold our house!

PHEW!!!

That's one big point for us in our make-or-break week!

Even if the other two situations come out negative (as I fully expect them to) I actually think I am okay with it.

I think I may just still be a little high, knowing I don't have to have a freakin' open house this weekend for the 8th week IN A ROW!

Woo-Hoo!!!!! I needed just a little something, and this was a big one. Thank you, buyers-of-our-home. You don't have any idea how much I needed this, today.

THANK YOU!

AND THEN THERE WERE TWO

One of the things that I particularly enjoyed about my very first IVF cycle was that I had the unique opportunity to go through it with four other friends at the same time. Women ten, twenty years ago, didn't have this luxury unless maybe they attended support groups. Being able to be a part of this online blogging world of infertiles has granted me the chance to watch, observe, learn, participate, listen, educate, comfort, and be reassured by women going through THE SAME EXACT THING AS ME. What a great thing.

To say I enterred into my IVF cycle with optimism is not entirely true; on the one hand I know that IVF is our best and only chance to get pregnant; on the other hand I knew the stress of my current life alone could hinder the process. But the thing is, I was optimistic for US.

That's right, for US. For the five of us.

There were five women that I KNEW of from this blogworld that were all going through IVF at the same time. There was Amanda, who was about a week and a half ahead of me, there was Julianna, a few days ahead of me, there was Nina, who I was neck-in-neck with, and there was Courtney, who recently shared the fact that she was IVFing through several comments on my blog.

I figured the odds were great that at the very least, one of the five of us would get a positive beta.

So far there are three "no's" - Amanda, Julianna and Nina. This devastates me as if the news were my own, because I had so much hope for one of us, for SOMEONE, to come out of all of this pregnant!

Courtney's big day is tomorrow, and I am trying with all my might to have high hopes for her, but it gets tougher with each "no" that I hear about.

As for me, I don't really believe that my news will be any different. I have been a moody moody bitch all week, and have all the normal symptoms that we all know and love and classify as PMS. Plus, that stupid pregnancy test said it all. I know perhaps I tested early, and it wasn't a first morning urine, etc etc etc. But I know it in my core. I can feel that it didn't take.

Last night staring at the test it all flooded up and out of me, and in the end was probably a good thing because I probably got it out of my system before the real, actual test. This morning I simply felt dead - devoid of any emotion whatsoever.

But now I am angry. What if, out of all five of us, what if the answer is "No" all around?

What about this big scientific medical miracle they call IVF? Doesn't seem so miraculous to me right now.

Grrl hit the nail on the head today - there is just so much sadness in our community. I want to make the sadness stop. I want to push a button somewhere and give everyone babies and take the pain away, the overwhelming pain, because it is just too much. Too much for me, too much for all of us.

If we can send a man to the moon, why is it that we can't get women pregnant? We live in a nation where technology can perfect animated graphics in pornographic video games so that they appear "truer than life," but yet we still can't figure out how to knock someone up.

I don't understand. I guess expecting one out of five of us to be an IVF success story is asking too much? I sure didn't think so.

WHAT NOT TO DO

When you are having a particularly bad day - a day when you are stressed, overwhelmed and depressed, here is something NOT to do:

Don't go out and buy a First Response Pregnancy Test
Don't run home and take said test

Because the result is only going to make you more depressed than you already were.

Just some advice from a very cried-out depressed person.

THE MAKE-OR-BREAK HAND

It took me a few years of going to casinos with Anthony before I finally gained the courage to sit down at a blackjack table and PLAY, versus standing over Anthony's shoulder just watching the action. It all went so fast, to me, and I was nervous that I wouldn't be able to pull the trigger in time on the right move. I basically know the rules - when to hit, when to stay, when to split and when to double-down - but for a long time I lacked the courage to get in the game. The last thing I wanted were dirty looks and remarks from the other players at the table if, God forbid, I made the wrong move. Anthony taught me well, and it is important in blackjack to realize that when YOU play wrong, you can upset the entire table of players. People at the other end of the table will sneer "You took my card! That was MY Queen!" if you hit when you should have stood, etc. Once I finally sat down and played, however, I was hooked.

More important, though, than Anthony teaching me blackjack etiquette, was the lesson that he taught me about the make-or-break hand. It is a mystical, non-tangible concept, but it is absolutely essential to learn if you are going to gamble. If, as a player, you start to get on a roll and begin winning several hands in a row, you get to a point where one hand is going to indicate to you whether to keep going, or whether to pack up and leave the table. I'll watch Anthony go on a run winning ten dollar hands, upping his bet to twenty dollar hands, and winning winning winning. Going with this momentum, he'll all of a sudden throw a big bet down on a subsequent hand - say, $100 or so - and he'll turn to me and say "this is my make-or-break hand." Three things will happen at this point. One - he'll win, which means he'll keep playing and betting big. Two - he'll lose, at which point it is time for him to just pick up whatever chips he has left and leave the casino immediately. Three - he'll push - neither win nor lose. This often ends up with the same result as the loss - because he didn't win, he'll either back his betting way off, or he'll quit playing all together.

I've explained this little "Blackjack - Corrado Style" tutorial to express what is happening for us in our lives right now. This week has been dubbed our "Make-Or-Break Week." For many, many reasons.

Things scheduled for this week:
inspection of the house we're trying to sell
signing the P&S of the house we're trying to sell
results of IVF #1
resolution (hopefully) to the big mystery "problem" haunting us for several weeks. (Furthermore, once a resolution occurs I will finally be at liberty to talk about it here....a bit.)

The first two issues are related, but suffice it to say if the inspection doesn't go well it could affect whether or not the P&S ever happens.

There is so much going on I have hardly noticed that I go for my Beta on Saturday. Okay, that's not entirely true, but I am very distracted and therefore not dwelling on it every second, which I guess is good.

"The problem" that is almost resolved, suffice it to say it is as major a life event as going through IVF or selling and buying a house.

I had a woman I work with tell me that selling a house to buy a house was the most stressful time of her life. I reminded her that "I'll bet you weren't also going through IVF at the time." I was a bit rude to her, but hey I am wound up tight these days. There is a lot on our plate, and it is all coming to a head this week. It is our make-or-break week.

So much could happen. The fact that three major life events have all converged and have come down to resolving themselves for us at the exact same time is a little overwhelming. At the same time, we look forward to answers. We are tired of walking around with giant question-marks suspended in mid-air over our heads.

If the sale of the house falls through, and we aren't pregnant, and our other problem isn't favorably resolved, we know we lost this hand. And that it is time to look back upon 2004 as a "losing" year.

If the house sells, and I am pregnant, and our other problem gets fixed, we'll know we won, and that all the struggles and tears this year were leading up to a bold but beautiful winning finish.

Me myself, I am thinking we're gonna push. I keep saying the house sale will happen, the problem will get resolved, but I still won't be pregnant. I reassure Anthony that if this is the case "at least I will be helpful when we move in the next two weeks."

Anthony has assured me that the only positive result he is TRULY rooting for is Saturday's beta.

Well......that, and the Sox clobbering the Yankees. My God, the ALCS has to be this week, too? My ulcer just can't take it!

If you could have told me on January 1, 2004 everything that we'd go through this year I never in a million years would have believed it. And if you had told me everything would resolve itself in the exact same week, then I would have KNOWN you were lying.

It's our make-or-break week.....I'm praying that we're dealt a winning hand.