Ahhhh.....
I finally feel like things are starting to fall back into place.
My life is comfortable again. Things make sense to me again.
I am starting to recognize myself again. I no longer feel like a hollow shell of the person I once was. I am starting to feel like me again. I am starting to feel as though my life has purpose again. I still have no friggin' clue what that purpose is, but I don't feel utterly useless like I was feeling a few months ago. I am, I daresay, feeling pretty good these days. Content, even.
Wow.
It's been a while. I have started to settle into a routine in the new house. My days are not so unplanned and chaotic. Hell, I even have a regular gym schedule! I am twelve days completely caffeine free and other than miserable period cramps, I am feeling pretty damn good.
I still think that little girl is one of the things that is helping me. When I get to visit with her, hours feel like minutes. It is never enough time. I got to spend the better part of Saturday evening with my godchild, and I held her for almost the entire time. I hogged her even from my parents, Nana and Grampy, and no one seemed to mind. Maybe they see how therapeutic she seems to be for me.
Kayleigh and I had a "moment" on Saturday night. She was starting to get fussy - she really didn't eat enough when she had her bottle, and I am willing to bet she had a poop she was trying to get out, so she was squirmy and crying and overall getting fussy. I started stroking her forhead, from right to left, and calmly saying her name over and over. "Kay-leigh...Kay-leigh." She stopped crying immediately and opened her eyes big and wide. She stared at me. Stared. I kept stroking her head and calmly repeating her name, and she was intently fixated on me. Our eyes were locked. We continued this for a solid five minutes. It was wonderful. We had a moment. I had actually managed to calm down my little niece and we shared a moment that I won't forget for a long, long time. Again, you need to remember that the last time I had a baby in my life, I was eight years old. This is all such new and uncharted territory for me, and to be able to spend that time with her and have her looking at me so intensely, focusing, studying, wondering "who is this big person and why do they keep repeating that word?" It was unbelievably great. Yeah, this beautiful little girl is helping me so, so much.
Overall, I really think I am starting to feel "good." I think the reason why is because so many of the things that I have done to start the year 2005 off have been decisions that I have made, decisions where I have taken control of my life and tried to steer it in a better direction. From big decisions (the job change) to small decisions (the new and improved "decaffeinated" me), I have grabbed the reins and taken control.
I think last year was so hard because last year happened to us. Granted, everything that happened to us we started the ball rolling on, but somewhere along the way we completely lost control and life began to control US. That will not happen again.
2005 is going to be the year that I reclaim control over myself. Over my life. Over which direction my life is headed. My life is not going to determine my destiny by controlling me. I am in charge now.
I am so excited, my friend M and I are going to New York City for the weekend. The weather is going to be decent (42 degrees - a virtual heatwave compared to what we've been dealing with), I am going to do some shopping and might even do something impulsive like walk into a hair salon in SoHo and just say "Do something fun with this mop." I am going to sip decaf coffee while eating my homemade cannoli in Little Italy on Saturday morning. I am going to barter with the vendors in Chinatown for the best deals I can find, as I could use a new purse for my new job and maybe a new pair of sunglasses. I am going to have some New York Pizza for lunch, because there is no pizza like New York Pizza. I am going to hang out in Times Square all afternoon. I am going to go to my favorite bar in the city for Happy Hour at 5:00PM (alcohol-free, of course, as we've just begun IVF #3). I am going to go to dinner somewhere yummy. I am going to go to a bar and dance and sing along to the music and have fun. I am going to crash in our hotel room (but not before stopping somewhere for some late-night New York Style Cheesecake). I am going to get next to no sleep, as our hotel room is smack dab in the center of Times Square. I am going to get up in the morning, grab a quick shower, and hit the road to head home so that I can cozy up to my fireplace in time to watch the Patriots (and my neighbor) win their 3rd Superbowl in 4 years.
I mean, can you think of a better weekend? I sure can't. And yeah, a lot of it is surrounded by food, but so what? You can't go to New York and not experience the food, that would be criminal.
I used to go to New York City every other weekend. I used to just make day trips, for the shopping, and every couple of months or so I would make a weekend out of it. The last time I went was last March. I hadn't even started going to our fertility clinic the last time I went to the city. I miss it so, so much.
Yup, I am reclaiming my life. Trying to remember those things that used to make me feel good. That used to bring me joy. The things that slipped away in the chaos of 2004. I'm making some changes, and so far they already seem to be for the better.
Just look at this smile on my face.
