CANCELLED

Though I have not received the "official" phone call, my IVF cycle is being cancelled.

I only have 2 mature eggs - one on the left, and one on the right. What the hell happened?

It is quite upsetting. For some reason, though, I won't allow myself to cry. My eyes keep trying and I continue to inhale the tears back into my head.

The only saving grace will be if they convert me to an IUI cycle, which it is very possible they will do. But for now, I sit and wait for the dreaded phone call.

It's gonna be a hell of a year, ain't it?

UPDATE AGAIN

Interview with Old Company went well. Very well.

Now, I wait.

I wait to see if I get an offer from either company, or neither company, or both. Then, I will decide. Whatever will get me out of my current job situation and with the most beneficial...well, benefits...that is where I will go.

It is going to be a tough decision, but I feel great. I feel HAPPY. I feel like I have some control over the last remaining lingering "ick" of last year. If I can resolve my employment situation, then EVERYTHING in my life will have been resolved.

Well, everything except for my INFERTILITY!!!

Now, I am going to go do my shots. Let's see if I can do tonight's Repronex without crying. That is VERY doubtful. Very.

THE NICE THING ABOUT THIS JOB SITUATION...

...is that I have hardly had time to even think about my IVF cycle. Even though I am right in the heat of it all, currently doing 3 injections a day. And one of them, a new med that I haven't used in the past called Repronex, stings like you wouldn't believe. I actually am in tears every night when I do that injection, and I have not cried about any of my injections in my past IUI/IVF cycles. It friggin' HURTS!

But it is kind of nice that it is in the background this time. I don't have the weight of the world on my shoulders this time around, and I am also fully aware of what to expect from IVF this time around, so for some reason I seem to be taking the whole cycle in stride.

Which is so, so nice.

IVF is just something I do. It is as much a part of my daily routine as showering, or as my morning trip to Starbucks. Maybe the less of a huge deal it is, the better it will work.

Or not.

But it is nice to not be so emotionally wrapped up in the whole thing.

(Still appreciate everyone's comments regarding the job-thing. I am meeting with Old Employer tonight at 5, and I am curious to find out what exactly they are offering. Will keep you all posted.)

UPDATE

Thank you, first of all, for all of your advice. I am considering all of it very carefully.

That being said, I met with New Company this morning and all was going well until I told them my desired salary requirements. They suddenly became very uneasy and said they probably cannot get to that number. Hmmm...

The question that now remains is, can Old Company? And can they while agreeing to my much-reduced office hours requirement?

We'll see. Still much to consider. The New Company was ALL OVER me until we got to the salary discussions. And on my walk back to my car I ran into the CEO of Old Company. "See you tomorrow?" he asked.

"You bet!" I exclaimed.

Hmm.....

ADVICE, PLEASE

I am desperately seeking some advice.

I may not use any of it, as I am 55% sure my mind is made up, but I would love some advice to, you know, play devil's advocate, see how far off the mark I am, etc.

So, here it goes.

That job interview I have tomorrow morning? The one at the major competitor of my previous employer? My previous employer who is also the former employer of my husband? Yeah.

They found out about my interview.

They want me to go in and meet with them to discuss returning to work there.

!!!!!

My first reaction was "Boy do they have some nerve! What makes them think I would want to work there after what they did to Anthony!" It is such a sore subject around here, Anthony's loss of his job at that company. All he wants to do is forget that chapter of his life and move on. He doesn't want to ever think about that place again. And the fact that he lost the job in the middle of our house-building, house-selling, IVF fiasco couple of months back made me incredibly, incredibly angry at them. I was pissed off that with everything else we were dealing with, with all the balls we were juggling in the air, that we had this major thing to deal with now. And I blamed them, what poor timing, why did this have to happen NOW? Why were they doing this to us NOW?

The thing is, Anthony reminded me that they didn't do anything to him. Or to us. It isn't their fault that Anthony doesn't work there anymore. Anthony made a mistake, a mistake that the owners were willing to overlook but that the board of directors were not, and based on that Anthony had to go. Anthony reminded me that if I needed to be pissed off at someone about it, then I should be pissed off at him. He made a mistake that cost him his job there, and there was no reason to be mad at the owners of the company about it - it was just business. The incredibly bad timing, though, made it easier to blame them than to get aggravated with Anthony or with simply the situation. Besides, what was I going to do? Get pissed at Anthony and make him feel worse about it? No way. And in the end it worked out fine because he's got a new job that he loves, and we got the house transaction done with no hiccups.

So...the question remains. Do I go meet with them?

Here is what I said to Anthony.

I told him that if he doesn't want me to, I won't. He said "Well, I had hoped to never have to think about that place ever again for the rest of my life, and this would certainly prevent THAT from happening. However, if they offer you a sweet enough deal and you want to do it, I wouldn't stand in your way provided you don't bring it home with you." In other words, he doesn't want to hear the office gossip, or be dragged to company parties, etc. My returning there should not impede with his desire to forget about that place.

That being said, I left there because I was very stressed out and, having tried for 3 consecutive months to get pregnant with no luck (how naiive I was!!) I figured the stress of that job was what was preventing me from conceiving and that leaving would help.

I was wrong.

So I figured I would find another less stressful job to pass the time until I got pregnant. Fast forward two years and here I am, stuck in another very stressful job that I hate, for half the pay.

The bottom line is, for as long as we continue to NOT have children, I need to be working full time. I have no excuse not to, plain and simple. And the truth is, there is not ONE job out there that is going to satisfy me. There is no job that exists out there that I am going to like, except for the job of "mom." "Mom" is the ONLY job I want, and therefore everything else by comparison is going to suck and will not make me happy.

Understand?

No matter where I work, no matter what job I am doing, I am not going to be happy.

I have figured this out and I accept it.

Therefore, shouldn't I at least be making as much money as I possibly can? I mean, if I am going to be working and be miserable, shouldn't I simply choose the job with the bigger salary? It seems logical to me.

The thing that both Anthony and I agree on is, THEY approached ME. I don't know how they found out about my interview, except that I know that this industry is incredibly gossipy. But, regardless, they found out about the interview and they want to prevent me from going to the competition.

Which puts me in the driver's seat to broker a great deal for myself.

How badly do they want me back? How important is it to them that I don't go to the competition?

The salary I make now is HALF of what I used to make. HALF.

I doubt they would be bringing me in to even chat if they weren't planning on paying me at LEAST what they were paying me when I left. If not more. They also told me I can pretty much "make my own job description." I'll be able to work out a nice bonus program, acquire immediately a decent amount of vacation time, and the BEST part is that they know I am going through IVF (in fact one of the owners went through IVF with his wife to conceive both of their sons). Therefore they will be incredibly flexible with me as far as doctor's appointments, time off for procedures, etc. There is also that whole transitional period that I won't have, since I won't need training and I already know all the people. I hate starting a new job and not knowing anyone or how to do anything. There are a lot of pro's.

But there are con's. I worked like a dog when I was there before. Often working 80 hours a week. I let my job consume my whole life. It wasn't just a job to me - it was family and emotions and I got all wrapped up in it and it was too much. Can I go back there and not work insane hours? Can I go back there and look at it as "just a job" and not let it take over my life?

And then there is Anthony. I still feel awkward about it. It IS a weird situation.

I said to him "After everything we just went through this past year, and with the infertility we are STILL dealing with, I don't want to add any ADDITIONAL stress to our marriage." He said that if we put some ground rules in place, it wouldn't. He admits that while we are still childfree he would like to see me in a happier job situation than I am in currently, and he admits he would like to see me make more money. "I would be a hypocrite," he said, "if I told you to get a new job and make more money and then criticized you for taking an opportunity like this - one that doesn't come around every day." But I can't help thinking that maybe Anthony is just trying to be nice, but maybe deep down inside this is a kick in the gut to him. And I don't want to be the one kicking him. I really, really don't.

So I AM going to talk with them Tuesday after work. At this point there is no harm in having a conversation with them.

But I am curious to know what you think. What would YOU do? Am I being selfish and disloyal to my husband if I go to work at the company that just fired him in October? Or is it my business to work where I want to work, provided that the ultimate goal is to bring home more money for the two of us?

What would YOU do? I really want to know.