BFN

For those folks out there who don't know what BFN is, I will direct you to the glossary of terms. What's that? You didn't know that we infertile women have our own vocabulary? Of course we do. That would explain why no one understands me except for other infertile women.

And if you don't know why I am mentioning BFN, it has to do with a previous post.


*sigh*....Syringes, here I come.

DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT, WILLIAM HUNG

Okay, I know how lame this is, but I am just happy that America isn't totally stupid.

I don't religiously watch American Idol at all. In fact I hardly ever watch it, my first love in the reality-TV genre is Survivor. But the wide range on the talent spectrum in this season of Idol was too difficult to ignore. There were some absolute dopes (William Hung?), and some ridiculous talents (Fantasia Barrino). I was finding it hard to swallow when I would follow up with my sister Cheryl (who DOES religiously watch the show) and hear how the dopes were being kept week after week and the really amazing singers were being sent home.

Based on the way the season went, I assumed America would vote for the wrong Idol. In this case both were amazing, but Fantasia was JUST in a league all her own. Clearly she has surpassed the abilities of both predecessors, Kelly Clarkson AND Ruben Studdard. She is a super star, she has a talent that will make her the first Idol to actually have that blockbuster career the show promises. She is amazing, she won, and America wasn't a bunch of blockheads and I am a little relieved. Wait? Did you hear that? "SHE-BANGS!" That's the sound of miss Fantasia slamming the door on William Hung's 15 minutes of fame. No longer will he be the most famous Idol to emerge from Season Three!

Hey, my life is so serious these days, I need things like this as pleasant, momentary distractions to remind me that life isn't ALL bad, and that sometimes good things do happen to the right people. Go Fantasia.

IS IT FRIDAY YET?

On Friday morning I will be able to take a pregnancy test to see if putting the $250 monitor to use this month actually worked.

I don't expect that the test will bring the news I am hoping for. It hasn't for the past 24 months, why should this month be any different?

But I am crossing my fingers. Every time I walk through the living room and see the card table that I set up for next month's medical regimen - with all the drugs and syringes and vials and gauze and suppositories, etc. etc. etc. - I cringe. A positive result on a pregnancy test this month means also avoiding that whole mess next month.

I was trying to explain it to my mother the other day, although she really doesn't have the time for this right now, trying to sell their house and everything. I feel bad, I need her right now but I know she's got a lot going on and I just don't want to add to her plate. Anyways, I gave her the abbreviated version of what I've got to do next month and she very matter-of-factly replied "I am so glad it is YOU that has to do this and not Eileen."

"What do you mean?" I asked, slightly offended.

"She wouldn't be able to do it I don't think. She's terrified of needles, she was never good at getting shots. I just don't think she could do it."

I pondered this for a second. "For all the shots I have received in my lifetime, I've still never had to give myself one - that's a little bit different, don't you think?"

"Sure, of course its different, I just don't think Eileen would have been able to do it, that's all. I'm glad it's you and not her."

Glad it's me? I'm not glad that it's me at ALL. I wouldn't be happy that ANYONE has to do this. And who says I can handle this? I am not as strong as people think. Maybe that's my problem, I am walking around to the outside world with this suit of armor on, pretending that this isn't killing me, pretending that "it's all good, what's meant to be is meant to be, it'll happen when it is supposed to happen, etc." It is all bullshit. I am as fragile as spun glass.

"You know what mom? If this was the only way Eileen could have a baby she'd do it. It is amazing what people will do when they are out of options." She didn't really reply to that.

Maybe I should talk to my mother. Maybe I only think she doesn't have the time for me. Maybe she isn't sure how to approach me or what to say. Maybe she is just waiting for an invitation from me. Maybe she really thinks I am okay and I am strong. Of course she is busy, but she is my mother and for as much as I am DYING to become a mother, she IS a mother and only wants what is best for her children, and would always make time for us if we are scared and hurt and full of fear.

I just need to reach out to her, I guess, and stop pretending that I am fine. I will call her tomorrow.

In the meantime I will continue to hold out false hope for Friday's "First Response" test. Not to put all my eggs in one basket - pun intended. I expect to be disappointed, but a girl can hope, can't she?

I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM, WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM

A word to the wise - don't ever, ever, EVER, ever, EVER have a dish of ice cream after going 16 days straight without sugar.

I completed a successful Phase 1 on the South Beach Diet, the two-week highly restricted phase where you eat lots of protein, moderate portions of green leafy carbs, and absolutely ZERO grams of sugar are allowed. I did not cheat at all.

I am now on day two of Phase 2, which allows me to reintroduce a few carbs back into my diet.

Well, I was out to dinner with a couple of old friends tonight and decided to have a dish of ice cream - what harm could that do, I've been so good! This is what I tell myself.

After dessert, I was practically sprinting out of the restaurant. I don't think I have ever driven so fast down 93 in my life. I barely made it home and into the bathroom in time. NOT pretty.

I also couldn't change into my pj's very well. I felt drunk, and not the good kind. You know that disorienting kind of drunk that is not at all funny, and always seems to precede a sobbing meltdown? That is how I feel. Sick, sick, sick to my stomach. TOO......MUCH.......SUGAR.

How weird. My absolute favorite food in the world is ice cream. Amazing that in a mere two weeks my body just utterly repels it.

What's even weirder? My second favorite food item in the world is Starbucks Iced Coffee - Venti (as large as it comes), with lotsa cream and lotsa sugar. Because of both the diet and my impending procedures next month, I have also very quickly adjusted to a small Starbucks with skim milk and Equal. The caffeine withdrawal? Minimal. The skim milk and Equal? Not all that bad.

I am learning that the human body is an absolutely amazing thing. It sure doesn't take much effort to make grand sweeping changes, and it is blowing my mind. I think my stomach and my brain need to share this information with my uterus.

Must sprint to the bathroom again....