THE INVISIBLE WOMAN

Warning: I'm having a pity-party tonight. You are welcome to stay, I just cannot guarantee a good time. In fact I can absolutely guarantee that it won't be any fun at all. Your choice.

I'm feeling invisible these days. I am feeling like I don't matter to other people. Like no one notices me. Specifically, I am feeling this way with regards to my family. And I don't know what to do about it, because if I dare to bring it up I will sound like little more than a spoiled brat - which maybe I am.

One sister has a new baby at home. A two-month old, specifically. Not only does she have her hands full with her new baby, but she is also rarely available for anything these days because everyone wants to SEE the baby, so all she does is cart Kayleigh around to visit people. She's got her hands full, and I get that completely, so I don't dare ask for attention from her.

The other sister is planning her wedding. And my God do I remember what that is like. Initially, it doesn't matter if your wedding is in two months or two years -you are taking it all in for the first time and it is overwhelming. And although you may have dreamed of this day your entire life, it is still different once it is real and you keep realizing there is so much more work that goes into planning a wedding than you ever, ever realized. And I don't dare ask her for more attention, because she has already verbalized to me that she is herself feeling ignored and overshadowed by the arrival of Kayleigh. She is feeling that she comes in second-place these days. Which I know isn't true, but she feels this way.

Which leaves me with the following question: if she is in second place, where does that leave me?

On the one hand, I was sort of the center of attention all fall. But not for good reasons. First it was the selling of the house debacle. Then it was the Anthony losing his job debacle. Then it was our first IVF failing in the middle of everything else. I was getting a lot of attention then, but not the kind I wanted or needed. I was getting pity.

I don't talk to my Dad about this stuff. I just...don't. We don't have that kind of relationship. Never had, never will.

And my mother? My mother who I could always talk to about anything? Well, she just isn't there for me right now. She and I joined a gym together in November, and as far back as I can remember she has never belonged to a gym. When I see her, all she talks about is her diet or her exercise goals. And if she isn't talking about diet and fitness, she is talking about her grandchild, or about Cheryl's wedding. All of which is FINE. It is all stuff she SHOULD be talking about.

But lately, she never mentions me, or my infertility problems. And God forbid I bring it up, she actually CHANGES THE SUBJECT. One night in the sauna I tried to bring it up three times in a row, and each time she changed the subject completely. Mid-sentence, even. I just gave up.

I mean, if I were my family I would be pretty sick of the topic, too. All they have heard from me for three whole years is story after story about our seemingly endless struggle to have children. And all they have witnessed for three years is failure after failure. Maybe they are just tired of hearing about it? Like it is old news or something?

There are dozens of studies out there that claim that stress levels in infertile couples is equal to or greater than stress levels in terminally ill cancer patients. And I am aware that infertility and cancer are NOT the same thing, but I wonder if my family would treat my issues with such non-chalantness if I exhibited actual physical attributes. With a cancer patient, you see what the chemotherapy does - the sunken eyes, the loss of hair - and you empathize with the amount of pain, both physical and emotional, they must be going through. You can't help yourself. There have been days that I have been with my family that I want to just rip all of my clothes off just so that they can see the bruises all over my thighs, abdomen and butt cheeks from the injections. I want them to SEE it, because if they SAW signs of my physical pain maybe they could understand my emotional pain.

Every single day is just endless make-believe. I have to put on a happy face at work, with friends, at Starbucks, etc. You know how it is. It isn't like when Jen behind the counter at Starbucks says "Good morning, Dawn, how are you today?" I am going to respond with "I'm infertile and it sucks, how are you?" I play pretend, I play make-believe, and all day long I smile and respond to people's polite inquiries with "I'm good, and you?"

I'm not good. Not even close. And I should be able to say this to my family without feeling like I am bringing them down. I down want to be a downer when there is a wedding to plan. I don't want to steal attention away from a beautiful little baby girl who I love more than life itself. But the thing is, lately I feel like I have to force my family to listen to me when I want to talk about it. And believe it or not, sometimes I do want to talk about it. Sometimes I NEED to talk about it.

And if I can't talk to my family about it, who then? If I have to continue to play make-believe in front of them, too, I am just not going to make it.

I cannot actually blame anyone. Like I said, both sisters are completely off the hook, both for very good reasons. But my mom is the one that is really getting to me. She just doesn't get it. She doesn't understand that what is at stake here for me is losing the possibility of having the only thing I have ever really wanted my entire life. Even when she does try to help, she inadvertently says the wrong thing. For example, she says it is so hard for her to see me hurt, because "you don't know what it is like to see your child in pain and not know how to help them." Well, yeah, you are correct. I don't know what that is like, because I DON'T HAVE A CHILD. Furthermore, I may NEVER have a child and therefore I will NEVER know what that is like.

Man, I am definitely getting my period any minute now because I am being a bitch. I am probably being too hard on everyone. I just wish that I didn't have to constantly remind my family members "Hey, everyone, don't forget, my life although it looks rosy on the outside STILL completely and totally sucks ass. I am still morbidly depressed. I am still in physical discomfort and there is still no resolution in sight. Don't forget, okay? Okay??"

All right. Pity party is officially over now. Nothing to see here.