F 9/11

I won't preach or anything, I promise, but if you can, see this movie. Decipher what you want from it, decide on your own how much is truth and how much is fiction, but just see it.

There are some important messages in this film that I think all Americans should hear, and I don't mean the Anti-Bush messages. I am talking about the messages about war, the "truths" that come with war, and not just the war in Iraq. All wars carry the same hidden "truths". Like war being an amazingly profitable endeavor for certain corporations. Moore's interviews with soldiers currently serving in Iraq are riveting and deeply disturbing.

Just see it, if you can. And if you don't want to, hell, that's okay too, I never went to see "The Passion of the Christ." And I guess a lot of people thought that film was important too. I guess I just find terrorism, the war in Iraq, and the current administration much more relevant to my current life than something that happened to a man two thousand years ago.

But that's just me.

Footnote: So sorry for getting political, it is something I rarely EVER do, especially being married to a staunch republican who supports "W". Ha! He and I basically agree to disagree when it comes to politics, and therefore we are better off not discussing it. What can I say, it is another reason this country is so great, it takes all types to make the world go 'round.

PROUD AMERICANS, ALL FOUR OF US

Ooh, I feel so rebellious!

Okay, not really. But I just went to purchase my ticket for "Fahrenheit 9/11"'s 7:00PM showing this evening, and had to cross a picket line to do so!

Okay, not really. It was one guy. One guy in a shirt and tie with a sign listing all the reasons that this movie is inaccurate and fictional. But it made me laugh out loud, because I didn't expect to encounter any protesters HERE.

The movie is showing at the little community theatre in the center of town. The world-famous (okay, not really) "Museum of Bad Art" is located in the basement of this historical building. The owner, a local guy, a former Drum-Major (like me!) from the High School Band, sold me my ticket. He also personally thanked me for my support. He even looked happy to have a protester outside his movie house. This is a man who hit the lottery for a million dollars and, rather than spend his winnings selfishly on himself and his family, decided to use the money to purchase the community theatre and restore it, as a gift to his beloved home town.

So what do we all have in common? Me, Michael Moore, Shirt-and-Tie Picketing Guy, and Unselfish Theatre Owner? We're all Proud Americans, every one of us.

Michael Moore is free to make a movie and state his personal views; whether they are fact, fiction, or some combination of the two doesn't really matter, because he has the freedom to express himself. Unselfish Theatre Owner has the freedom to proudly show this movie amidst all the (senseless) controversy. I have the freedom to walk in with an open mind, see this film, and come to my own conclusions.

And Mr. Shirt-and-Tie Picketing Guy has the right to protest all of it. I wonder if he gets it, that DUH, that's the whole point, freedom of speech. There is no difference between him and Mr. Moore.

Including the fact that in some ways both of them scare the bejesus out of me.

Looking forward to crossing the picket line again in an hour and exercising my rights as a Proud American. May or may not give my review later, because as an American I also have the right to NOT weigh in with my opinions.

So there.

LIFE IS GOOD

So the cramping has temporarily subsided. Now I just have a dull pain in my tailbone, as if I accidentally hit it somehow, even though I know I didn't. Weird.

Anyways for a change I thought that instead of being crabby today, I would take this opportunity to reflect on the things in MY life that are positive. The things that, in life in general, are positive. So the next time I want to scream that "Life Totally SUCKS" I can look back at this post for a wake-up call. Life ain't so bad, aside from my lack of offspring.

Here are some things that are GOOD:

Howard Stern

Think what you want of him, or of me for that matter for liking him - just don't criticize my taste (or lack thereof). Entertainment is a highly, highly personal thing, and I honestly don't think a person chooses what entertains them; rather, entertainment chooses us. Anyways, I am grateful for my mornings that are spent listening to the antics and rantings of Stern and the whack-pack. And if the FCC does actually succeed in getting him permanently thrown off the airwaves (I will save this rant for another time, this is supposed to be a shiny-happy post) I will go out and get me one of those XM Satellite Radio-thingy's and CONTINUE to listen to him. I am absolutely NOT a morning person - in fact I closely resemble Satan in the morning - and the fact that he can actually make me belly laugh OUT LOUD when I am otherwise barely conscious is something that I am truly thankful for.

I Have My Health

Well, aside from the infertility thing, that is. I am a reasonably healthy person, inside and out. This is a good thing.

It's Officially Summer

Day 4 of Summer 2004. Okay, so maybe, for the third summer in a row, this won't be the "summer of the Corrado Baby." But nevertheless, it is summertime - the season I long for in the dead of winter. I spend a minimum of six months bitching about the weather, and my favorite season is a mere two months long. It is here, and I need to remember to enjoy it.

Life Is Good shirts

I absolutely LOVE my "Life Is Good" tee shirts. So cute, and a nice little daily reminder, too. I've own five. Check them out! www.lifeisgood.com

Building a House

I mean, come on, how cool is that? Building a house has been a lifelong dream of mine. And the house we're building is even cooler than any I ever imagined, ever. I am loving that every inch of this house has been personalized to our....who am I kidding....to MY....exact specifications. It's "our" house, built "for us," with "my" very own personal stamp put on it (because Anthony really didn't care about the details - YAY!). I can't wait to be living in it, five months from now. It is a pretty cool thing.

TiVo

Okay, sure, so I bought it for Anthony for Christmas and I am the one who ends up using it most of the time. But he and I both agree, it is one of the best additions we've added to our lifestyle in ages. We are both TV addicts, and it really has made TV viewing so much more convenient and enjoyable. We LOOOOVE our TiVo so much we're buying two more for when we move. People who don't have one ask me "well, yeah, what's the difference between that and a VCR?" It is just hard to explain, the only response I can give is as soon as you start using TiVo, you quickly wonder how you lived without it for so long. That is, if you watch TV.

Case and point, I occasionally lie in bed and absent-mindedly grab the VCR remote control, thinking that it will miraculously fast-forward through the commercials. Then I remember, Oh yeah, no TiVo in the bedroom....and I groan. Life is so tough, huh? I actually have to suffer through commercials when I am upstairs. Let me repeat - I looooooooove TiVo.

My Godchild

I know this is stupid, but I already love my Godchild SO MUCH that I am starting to wonder if it may not be healthy. I mean, I don't want to overcompensate for the fact that I have no kids by suffocating my sister's child with affection, but I can't help it. The baby is a mere 14 weeks old in my sister Eileen's belly, and I have all these plans and wishes and ideas for it.

I promise to respect the boundaries and play the Aunt role, I know I am not the mother. But I can't wait for this baby to come and I am going to love it so so much. There is no such thing as TOO much love, if you are talking about a family member.

Starbucks

Again, my obsession with this Seattle-based coffee chain is well documented. But I thank God every day for my "Starbucks Grande Iced Coffee, Shaken but not Sweetened." The baristas joke with me daily, "just like James Bond."

Vegas, Blackjack and a Stack of $10 Chips

Individually or separate, these are a few of my favorite things.

Blue Hydrangea

Is there anything more beautiful than driving to the beaches of Newport and seeing the vast, endless fields of vibrant blue hydrangeas? If I can, I want to plant them all around the new house.

Anthony

Saving the best for last, of course. I know this sounds hokey and all, but not a day passes that I don't feel eternally grateful that I have Anthony by my side. He is a remarkable man. Every day, I find myself feeling proud of him. Every day, he makes me laugh multiple times. Every day, he makes me smile, even on the tough days. Every day, I thank God that he is my husband. Every day, I wonder how I lucked out and landed such a "good one." Every day, when he leaves for work, he comes back into the bedroom, tucks the covers around me, kisses my forehead, and says "I love you."

We have heard stories that infertility can actually cause marriages to break up, and we've discussed our infertility at length. We both agree that no matter what happens with our "fertility" path, we'll overcome it TOGETHER. A life with a child is the dream, but a life without a child is still a life together with each other. That will still be a pretty good life.

...WE INTERRUPT THIS POST FOR A BRIEF BITCH-SESSION

I was in the middle of writing a post where I am attempting to count my blessings and stop complaining and be grateful for all the things I DO have, when I got possessed for a moment with an insane urge. I had the urge to take a test.

The nurse warned "Do not - I repeat - DO NOT - take a pregnancy test, no matter how much you may want to, because no matter what it will show up as a positive, even if you are not pregnant."

In my momentary lapse of reason, I took a test. Wouldn't you know the mo-fo came out negative.

I must be the most infertile person in the world. I am the only person in the world who can be told I will get a guaranteed positive and wind up with a negative result still.

Okay.....got that out of my system. I now return you to the regularly scheduled love-fest post (that I am still not done with).

HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM

So my mother called me at work yesterday to see how I was feeling. "Normal," I replied. "Which I don't think is a good sign. If I were pregnant wouldn't I feel something by now?"

Anyways, I am now longing to feel normal again. I awoke at around 3:00AM with debiliating cramps. I could hardly get out of bed this morning. I know that they told me to expect some cramping, that it is normal. But I have felt these cramps enough to know what they mean.

I normally get cramps like this 3 days before my period. If it is a normal cycle for me, I should get it on Saturday.

Rats.

I wonder if I am still supposed to go get the pregnancy test next Tuesday, even if I am sure I've already got the answer I dreaded (but expected.)

Hmm....Meanwhile, a newborn baby boy was left abandoned at a church on Martha's Vineyard. The umbillial cord was still attached. If God can't answer this for me, can someone else try, please? Why is it that this woman was able to get pregnant, a woman who didn't want her baby in the first place - and why is it that I cannot when I can think of nothing I want more in my life?

Why?

CREAM & SUGAR

So, okay, I know I was exceptionally whiny last night. Sorry. (Although sometimes I really feel that I am entitled to whine).

The funny thing is, I had a revelation this morning, one that nearly knocked me out of my chair as I sat blow-drying my hair.

“I am not Superwoman.”

I know, I know – DUH. But it occurred to me that I might be trying to take on too much at once. This is a chronic problem of mine. I always keep myself ridiculously busy and I never know whether I am coming or going. In a way, I think I thrive on chaos. But if it isn’t “routine chaos” (oxy-moron, I know), it can get stressful. In other words, major changes to the “routine chaos” of my life can cause me a lot of additional anxiety. There have been numerous changes of late, and this may be why I am feeling so stressed, and stress is not good for someone trying to get pregnant.

So after having this epiphany this morning, I decided that I would have to undo at least one recent change, just to make life slightly better for me in the short term. I’m going back to cream and sugar in my coffee.

This may seem to be a ridiculously trivial item to focus on, but let me assure you, it is not. There is not one thing that can influence how the rest of my day is going to be more than my morning cup o’ joe. When I am running late for work and don’t have time to stop at Starbucks (which is not on my direct route to work, unfortunately), stopping at the little coffee shop in the center of town is a consolation prize at best. Having to settle for coffee that is sub-par just immediately sets the tone for the rest of my day. And on the few rare occasions that my Starbucks isn’t made quite right (for example, hot coffee poured over ice cubes does NOT equal iced coffee – not in my book), I again know I am going to be in for a rough morning and a potentially bad day.

But when my Starbucks is just right – icy cold, frothy, robust – I get a little extra spring in my step and feel prepared to take on just about anything the world tries to throw my way.

Anyways, when Anthony and I started the South Beach diet together on May 10th, I was forced to have to switch from taking my iced coffee with “Cream & Sugar” to “Skim Milk & Equal.” I’m sorry, but yuck. I went along with it, because I take the diet seriously, but yuck yuck yuck. Hey, I thought, at least coffee is allowed in some format on this diet. And at least it doesn’t have to be decaf!

Then the second kick in the gut came during our IUI orientation class – where the nurse demonstrated to Anthony and I how to administer all the injections and when to do what, etc. One of the last things the nurse said to me was “oh, by the way, only ONE SMALL caffeinated drink a day.” Oh no! I am one of the world’s biggest caffeine addicts.

(No surprise, really, seeing that I live in the aforementioned perpetual state of chaos).

(And yes, I realize that this could possibly be a factor contributing to my fertility problems – please, no preaching, I can’t handle it right now).

Now, that one momentous highlight of my morning - the one thing that can really get my day off to a great start, the one thing I soooo look forward to when the rest of my body is so tired that it is a miracle I can even point my car towards the right destination - now that is being compromised just a little too much.

Being the obedient patient that I am, though, I followed the instructions to the letter. One small cup of coffee, and no caffeinated soda or anything else throughout the remainder of the day. But this on top of all the other changes I am dealing with right now – the ridiculous drug regimen, the new projects at work in my new position, the new house, the new diet, the new sobriety (God that makes me sound like an alcoholic), the new mindset that there is a new baby coming into our family and it ain’t mine – maybe the coffee thing is the one change I don’t have to fully implement.

So, this morning, I decided to live on the edge. I am NOT increasing my caffeine intake – I certainly won’t do anything to jeopardize any potential pregnancy that may or may not be happening. But I proudly took my frothy iced coffee over to the bar and added my cream & sugar.

With everything else going on, and with only one small coffee a day, why not take it the way I like it. In my own small way, I decided make sure that at least one part of my day will go the way I need it to. I feel like I had a small victory today, and it really felt good.

And damn did it taste good, too!

LIFE: 3 - THE PERMANENT WAITING GAME

I really feel guilty saying that my private life sucks, because all in all I have a hell of a lot of good things to be happy about. But I also feel like I deserve to bitch and complain now and then, and most of all, I deserve to feel bad for myself once in a while. I am going through one of those fits tonight. Tonight, life is a three on that scale from one to ten. And it is all because I am an impatient person who hates to wait for things, and I have been playing the permanent waiting game for too long now. And worst of all, there is no end in sight.

I'm still waiting to get pregnant and have a baby. Don't know when this will resolve itself. The only thing I DO know is that if it doesn't happen by March of 2005 then we give up. Waiting to find out...

I'm waiting to find out if I am pregnant this month. I should already know the answer to this, because a month ago I was waiting for the same thing. And the month before that. And so on. Twenty-five months and counting. Waiting to find out...

I'm waiting to have a drink. I've been very stressed lately and would love just one nice glass of wine. Can't. Not while in an IUI cycle. Would like to know when I can have that drink. If the IUI cycle works, then it will be at least nine months before I will have that pinot grigio. If the IUI doesn't work but my baseline stats allow me to do an immediate follow-up IUI cycle, then the wine is still off-limits. Waiting to find out...

I'd like some new clothes. Don't want to spend the money on new clothes if I have to turn around and spend money on maternity clothes. Waiting to find out...

If it turns out I DON'T have to buy maternity clothes, I really don't want to buy myself clothes in this size. I mean, I would REALLY like to lose some weight. Been on South Beach and have had mild success. Would like to kick it into high-gear, but don't want to disrupt anything that may or may not be going on in there, so no crazyness with the diet. If I am not pregnant I can go back on Phase 1 though. Waiting to find out...

I think South Beach isn't working as well on me as it could because I am getting zero exercise. I MISS exercise. I want to run again. Or at least go for a brisk walk. It is summertime, I want to get out there in the beautiful weather and DO something. "Do not do any amount of exercise different than what you are currently doing - absolutely do not add any sort of an exercise regiment while undergoing IUI." Okay, well, I was doing NOTHING so I guess I will have to continue to do nothing until...until...WHEN?!!!....Waiting to find out...

The new house...there's that bedroom next to the master bedroom. A sewing room? A nursery? A sewing room? A nursery? Nursery colors? Purchase a decent sewing table? WTF? LEAVE IT EMPTY? Until when? Huh? Waiting to find out...

I'm having one of those bad days. I will get over it, I promise. I just really want the waiting to end. Honestly, at this point, just tell me SOMETHING. Tell me I can't have a kid, so I can cry about it and do my grieving and then I can GET OVER IT and move on with everything else. I am tired of waiting as my thirties pass me by. As my marriage passes me by because "having a baby" is all we think / do / feel / live. I need the waiting to end soon. Give me a baby, or don't give me a baby. But someone, please, make a decision and tell me what it is.

I can handle it. Waiting is what I can't handle, not for much longer.

JOB: 9

Some days are just better than others. There is no real logical explanation to that fact, it is just a simple truth. I have really good days, and I have really bad days. And actually, now that I think of it, I also have combo-days, which are a healthy mix of a little of both good AND bad. Because as I was about to type about what a bad day I am having, it occurred to me that it was actually a pretty good day at work.

I seem to be on a trajectory of completing projects, one after another, and at a pretty decent pace, to boot. Project - done. New project - done. BIG project - ninety percent done and making great headway. I will tell you, it is such a relief! I was moved into my company's IT department in January with absolutely no IT background whatsoever. I have been shaking in my boots up until about three weeks ago, when I finally realized I was starting to "Get It." There is nothing I hate more than when you start a new job and don't have a fucking clue how do to ANYTHING. You know what I mean, when you sit at your desk in fear, longing for the day that everything will just "click" and your fingers can maneuvre the company's software package without you even having to pay attention to what you are doing. I was at my prior company for almost seven years and more or less could do THAT job with my eyes closed. I hit a ceiling there, so to speak, because I got everything I possibly could out of that job and was no longer challenged. The job became both more BORING and more annoying as time went on. Promotion wasn't really an option, either, because the only type of promotion would have required managing people, and if I know NOTHING about myself I at least know this - I don't EVER, EVER, want to manage people in a corporate setting. In my opinion, that job sucks big time, because you really are just a glorified babysitter who just ends up settling stupid disagreements between employees about trivial issues such as who takes extra long lunches and who makes too many personal phone calls, etc. Ha! Let someone else get paid for that, I personally don't need the extra headache.

I left my prior company to find myself in another company doing the same exact job, and within a month I was kicking myself and wondering if there was a way to undo the mistake I had made. I kept trying to stick it out, to see if there would be any improvement, and I managed to drag it out for a full year before I absolutely had had enough. I decided to quit, but then all of a sudden a job opened up in the IT department that I had absolutely NO BUSINESS applying for. At that time I figured "what the hell? I'm leaving anyways, so why not apply for the job and see what happens?" So I went for it. And I got it.

I am still sometimes surprised that I was offered the position, I feel unworthy a lot of the time. I think the one thing that I had going for me was that I had managed to impress the Director of IT enough that he felt I had potential. Fortunately, I work at a company where "potential" can get you pretty far. And honestly, it has only been in the last month or so that I have finally started to feel comfortable and worthy of my new role. I also am experiencing a job-contentness that I SELDOM have felt. It is odd, but nice.

So I guess all things considered on a scale of one to ten I would have to rate my job a nine. That's pretty good. Now if I could only get my life to feel HALF as good.