'WAKE' UP RED SOX!

After not going to ANY games last year, which is a hard thing to accomplish when your husband holds season tickets to the Red Sox, I was really looking forward to being able to go to the playoffs this year, once they clinched the Wild Card Spot.

So I am going to the game tonight.

However, I am not as excited today about it as I was a few days ago. I really, really, don't want to be sitting there in Fenway Park, watching our team get eliminated from the playoffs. Watching the season end before my very eyes.

All I can do is hope for the best, right? I've got faith in Tim "Wake" Wakefield, though. When he is on his game, he is awesome. When he's not....well, that's another story.

So, if you are watching today's ALDS Game 3, Chicago White Sox versus Boston Red Sox, and if you see any foul balls hit down the first base line, I will be the very pregnant woman in the front row next to the ground crew tunnel, wearing the pink Red Sox hat and crying in my bottled water.

Go Sox??

DEAR ANON

First of all, thanks very much to Ginger for coming to my defense against the anonymous commenter on my last post. Ginger is always so kind and thoughtful and I truly appreciate it.

That being said, I am not upset or angered or offended by anon's comments. On the contrary, it sort of reflects honest feelings that I have had throughout the entire pregnancy. Here is what anon said:

"Do you think its wise to name the new site? What if Mandy is a boy, or a stillbirth or something? Not to be rude, but you know."

First of all, if Mandy is a boy I will be SHOCKED. At the last ultrasound, I was given a picture of her private parts. It is pretty clear exactly what that picture was showing us. We've got another ultrasound appointment in 3 weeks and I will ask them to confirm, for the third time, that she is still a girl. And even when they do, I still will refuse to fill out my application for her birth certificate until I get to examine those private parts up close and in person. The last thing I want to do is have to legally change my son's name from "Amanda." But, the whole reason that we "found out" what gender the baby is was so that we could proceed with our baby-planning in one direction or another. In other words, if Mandy is a boy, I've got bigger problems than the name of my new blog. I've got pink and purple bedding. I've got a closet that is quickly accumulating Burberry dresses, pink and purple onesies, etc. My shower invitations, sent out to everyone by my family, welcomed the invitees to "Amanda's Shower" and I am certain people will buy girlie things for the baby. Bottom line, if we have a boy instead of a girl, I will need to return a hell of a lot of stuff and rearrange my brain a little, but I will still love this baby with every ounce of my being. That blog can be renamed, no problem.

Now, onto your other concern. Still birth. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I fear this possibility EVERY SINGLE DAY. Going through IVF and everything else we went through to get pregnant, I started feeling cursed. And, at 21 weeks pregnant when I was in my terrible car accident, I believed that I was still being chased by a curse. Here I sit, nearly 32 weeks pregnant, and there is still, sadly, a big part of me that is of the mindset that "I will believe it when I see it" as far as me with a baby. I started feeling that, it was taking so long and we went through so much to get here, that it couldn't possibly REALLY be REAL after all this time, could it?

I have also taken this entire pregnancy as mini-milestones. At the beginning, I was just praying that I would get from one beta to the next with the correct numbers. Then, I prayed that the very first ultrasound would reveal that all was normal. Next, I just wanted to hit week 13 and know that I was enterring the "safer" second trimester. Since then, I only see progress by each monthly doctor's appointment - every time I hear that heartbeat, I exhale slightly. Now that the baby moves with regularity, I use that as my barometer. I sometimes think I am insane because I will be lying in bed and realize that I haven't felt her move in an hour or so, and the longer I think about it and no motion comes, I get all worked up to the point that I feel tears start to stream down my cheeks - and then, a little kick, and I relax oh-so-slightly.

So yes, stillbirth is something I am fearful of every moment of my life these days. I worry that she is going to suffocate herself on the umbillical cord. I worry that my placenta is going to completely detach, giving the baby at most 3 minutes in which to be delivered (which would never happen, and she would suffer certain death). I worry about every horrible thing that could happen between now and Dec. 2 that could prevent me from being mother to this little one.

But at the same time, I can't spend every waking moment ASSUMING the worst. I DO feel her kicks and I DO see my large belly and all signs point to the fact that I will have a real live baby soon. My next milestone comes this Friday, when I hit 32 weeks and my books all tell me that "a baby born at 32 weeks has a 99% chance at surviving and being a normal, healthy baby." I am DYING to get to this milestone, because mentally it will help a lot.

I guess what I am trying to say is that, if the baby were to be stillborn, I would have MUCH bigger problems than the name of my new blog. Right?

And furthermore, my life has literally been on hold for the past three and a half years. I am so tired of not being able to "move forward." So, I am trying with all my might to live every day as though I am actually headed toward this real-life happy ending, because to presume otherwise at this point seems completely unfair for me to do to myself. I've been through enough, and I deserve this happiness. I can live every day expecting the worst, or I can live every day hoping for the best. I choose, for the first time in years, to hope for the best.

I think my daughter deserves that, too.

NEW BLOG

I have not yet decided to officially close down this blog; however, I have launched a new blog which is going to primarily be dedicated to all things "Amanda."

You are more than welcome to begin visiting this new site, which over the next few weeks should begin to have regular postings.

The url is:

http://mandyscrib.blogspot.com

Eventually, this site will be permanently closed and I will be doing all of my blogging over at Mandy's Crib. For now, I will run the two sites concurrently.

Just wanted to get the word out!

UPDATES, AND THE NEWEST MEMBER OF THE FAMILY

No, no, I haven't had a baby yet. The new member of the family I am referring to is Tivo. We picked up the new Tivo box today while visiting with Anthony's family, and I was laughing a few minutes ago when it occurred to me that those of "us" in the world who own Tivo refer to it as though it is another person in the house, as though it is a member of the family. Tivo is it's name-o, and it is constantly referred to as an actual party in the home. I just called down to Anthony "You're not on the phone, right? Good, because Tivo has to make a phone-call to register our information." "We have to watch 'The West Wing' downstairs tonight, because Tivo will be using the bedroom TV for the next hour or so." I don't know, maybe it is just me me, but it struck me as funny. Anyone else out there refer to ANY of your household appliances this way? I don't. Only with Tivo. And the truth is, Tivo is a beloved, cherished member of the household. It was a tough week without it. Thursday morning I woke up and suddenly sat up in horror, shouting "I FELL ASLEEP DURING LOST!" Tragedy, I tell you.

Some other updates that I have been neglectful in posting about. My glucose tolerance test resulted with me passing - sort of. I failed the final, fourth blood test of the day, but my doctor's office considers passing 3 of the 4 tests as the patient "passing" the test. Hmm...I thought that was a bit strange, but whatever. I hope they are right and that I do not really have gestational diabetes. I initially said I was going to be more careful about what I am eating, but I certainly wasn't thinking about that today when I scarfed down THREE pieces of Carvel Ice Cream Cake.

I never followed up with my opinion of NBC's new show, "Inconceivable." Truth is, after the pilot episode I wanted to give it one more week, so I waited and watched this past Friday's show. The verdict is, I like it. I don't love it, and I don't hate it. As a television drama, it is entertaining. As a source of valid medical information, it isn't the worst thing out there. So far a lot of the medical information seems, for the most part, to be accurate. I DON'T like the premise that the head RE is "SO GOOD" he can get ANY couple pregnant, but again I think I need to let the season progress. If every single couple that walks in there this season walks out pregnant, then I will be pissed. But so far, it isn't the worst thing on TV. I've seen worse misinformation given to the public by REAL fertility specialists appearing on the "Today" show, so as long as they keep the show mostly factual I am not about to send any nasty letters to NBC....yet.

And, last but not least, it just wouldn't be right if I didn't mention sports on this day. Our wonderful Red Sox managed to clinch the Wild Card spot today, so it looks like they are headed to the playoffs after what has been a shaky end of the season. I can't believe it is playoff time again! I am not so sure we're going to relive the kind of glory of last year, but nevertheless any time the Sox are in the post-season, it is thrilling. I'm hoping to go to the game Friday night (if there IS a game four) but we've got to talk to the other ticket holders we split the ticket package with and see what's what.

And as for those wonderful Patriots? Oy! They haven't lost at home in something crazy like three years, so today was UG-LY. I've kept the name of my backyard neighbor a secret, as I don't really want him stumbling on my blog and realizing their neighbors are talking about them on the internet, but for those of you that follow the New England Patriots this little clue is a pretty good giveaway: the team sure is hurting with him out for the season. Today was proof-positive that they needed his leadership on the field. Ouch. It is early in the season and they can't win ALL the time, but boy was today bad.

All right, I've got to go, it is West Wing time and Tivo is still on the phone.