STILL STRUGGLING, BUT BETTER

I received such nice, helpful comments regarding my last post and I just wanted to say a heartfelt "thank you." None of what anyone said was anything new that I hadn't heard before, but it is still helpful to have people remind me that what I am going through is NORMAL and that feeling the way I feel is normal, too.

A couple times this week, I left the baby with my mom for an hour or two here and there, to run errands or to go work out at the gym, and it helped. And Anthony's mom is taking her next Wednesday for the whole day so that I can get some stuff done that I just can't seem to find the time for on a daily basis. I need to stop feeling guilty for needing a break from the 24/7 baby gig. I realize that I will be a better mom for her if I can step back and get away from it now and again, especially while the colic is still bad. I need to take care of myself, too, not just her. Hmmm...somewhere in the distance I am hearing a Dr. Philism....

Along those lines, Anthony and I have a date tomorrow, in honor of Valentine's Day which just sort of came and went this week. We are NOT going out for dinner - I would feel too guilty leaving Amanda with my parents at the "colicky" time of night. So instead we are going out for a "late lunch," to one of my favorite seafood restaurants, Legal Seafoods. I know that I am in the middle of Weight Watchers, but for tomorrow and tomorrow only I am on hiatus! I will be enjoying a baked-stuffed lobster, shrimp cocktail, a glass of wine, and maybe even bananas-foster for dessert. Anthony said to me the other day "Can you even remember the last time the two of us were out together alone, JUST the two of us?" I honestly cannot! In ten short weeks neither of us recognize our old lives anymore.

And quite frankly, that's just fine with us.

STRUGGLING

Now that Amanda is here, the only thing I want is to be a good mother to her. Let me tell you, I have never in my life held a job where I have felt like such a failure, day in and day out.

I feel like I am a competent person in most aspects of my life. So why do I feel so much like a failure at this motherhood gig?

Could it be that my darling now cries ALL DAY LONG? I understand that babies cry, that it is what they do, but to actually live the experience of constant crying is quite something. It is more challenging than anything I have ever done leading up to this point. I have moments that I actually thank God for my bout with infertility, because it taught me to have more patience than I ever had before. With the level of patience I have developed, it is still a major struggle. I cannot imagine how I would have fared had I actually had a baby four years ago, when I originally wanted to. My patience back then was pretty much non-existent.

So, we struggle, day in and day out. And no one is struggling more than my little sweetheart. It breaks my heart. Her colic seems to be worse after 2 weeks on soy formula. I am waiting for a call back from her doctor right now, at which time we expect that he will put her on her third formula regimen - a non-milk protein non-soy protein formula. I am hoping so much that this works, but I am not optimistic.

We just want Amanda to start feeling better. She has had a rough life so far. She was born in the middle of Christmas mayhem, hands-down the most stressful time of the year. Then she got a cold. As soon as the cold went away the colic began. Now, the colic is worse AND she has yet another cold. Underneath it all she appears to have such a wonderful and enjoyable personality, but it seems as though outside forces keep working against her to actually be able to just let that personality shine through.

And because of that, I feel like a failure. I want my daughter to be happy, and she is not. I want my daughter to be comfortable, and she is not. And I have massive guilt when my mother and Anthony's mother offer to take her for a day here and there to "give us a break." Part of me knows I should take them up on it, but the other part of me feels like a horrible parent to want to have "a break" from my child. After all, this is what I wanted all these years. This is what we struggled for. To want to spend time away from her makes me a bad mother, right? I know that is not true, but it is how I feel these days.

*sigh*. It is so hard. Not to be cliche but it is absolutely true that this is the toughest job in the world. It is also the most rewarding, but it is certainly tough.

This post is rambling, mostly because my brain is rambling. I guess I am just trying to say that I hope my daughter is in for some better times soon, so that she can start to enjoy life, and so that I can stop second guessing every single decision I have made for her and stop feeling like a complete failure.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!