ANOTHER YEAR WISER?

Yeah, so, today's my birthday. Yup. I am 34 today. 34! UGH!

This birthday has been different from many in the past, because I spent most of this day all alone. I am not complaining - in a way it was nice - but it was just kind of strange. Anthony's Dad has a Christmas Open House every year on the Sunday before Christmas, and because he has a cat and I am deathly allergic to all animals with fur, I could not go. I was not about to prohibit Anthony from going, though. I mean, I'm not five years old. Besides, I thought I would take the day for "me" and do a lot of "me" things.

Which I did. I got up early today and drove to Boston, which now takes me three times as long as it used to since we moved away from the city. I started my morning by going to a flea market to look at some of the knock-off pocketbooks, jewelry and sunglasses they were offering. I knew that today was the last day for the flea market until next spring, so figured it would be a good thing to do. The drive through the city and over the Zakim Bridge was just spectacular - it was one of those "Perfect 10" days where the sun made the sky a pinkish hue and the temperature, although cold, was relatively pleasant for December 19th. I didn't even need my winter gloves when browsing through the many vendors' wares.

From the flea market I headed over to Cambridge to a mall, to get some more Christmas shopping done. Needless to say I only just started my shopping yesterday so time is of the essence. (Hey - before you judge me, its been a busy few weeks!)

From there I headed to another mall, and the road that took me there brought me by the Harvard University Football Stadium, and then by my Alma Mater, Boston College. Again, the scenery outside my windshield was picture-perfect, and at one point I laughed out loud at the irony of feeling an overwhelming sense of nostalgia on, of all days, my birthday.

I guess, though, birthdays are a good time to reflect, to evaluate, to question if you have learned anything now that another year has passed. I still don't know what I have learned from year 33, except that apparently I can handle tons of stress. I never said I could handle it well, all I said is that when it comes right down to it I can handle it. Never did I know last year how many hurdles I would encounter this year, and yet here I stand (sit) a year later having (barely) survived it all.

I had a few moments today, a few pangs of sadness, over the fact that I am now 34 and still don't have this whole baby question resolved. It irks me. I can concretely say that there is one major way that I have changed in the past year, and it has to do with this whole pregnancy question. My whole life I thought the only thing that would make my life complete, the only purpose I have on this planet, is to have a baby. I mean, if I didn't get pregnant and have a baby then my life was pointless and had no meaning. This is how I have felt for a very, very long time.

But...I have learned something.

I have learned that the worst part of this whole infertility situation is the "not knowing." Not knowing whether my next IVF will work, or whether it will take 7 IVF cycles, or whether NOTHING will ever get us pregnant. Having a concrete answer would give me a chance to accept things for what they are, to deal with the circumstances, and to move on. Not knowing, though, brings a perpetual state of limbo that, quite honestly, has grown tiresome.

What I have learned, though, is that if I got the answer today - if someone sat me down and said "I have seen your future, Dawn, and you will never, ever get pregnant," that I would survive it. I wouldn't head for the Tobin Bridge so that I could jump off of it. I wouldn't shrivel up and die, contrary to what I have always thought. I'd deal. I'd adjust. And, though it would take years, I would get over it.

I am starting to learn that pregnancy or no pregnancy, my life already has meaning. My life already has a point. I already have value. Having a baby won't suddenly give my life meaning - it would certainly give it a NEW meaning - but my life already exists for many other wonderful reasons, and it is high time I started focusing on some of those other things. A baby will only change me - it won't DEFINE me. "I" define me, and today's definition is "birthday girl who deserves a big dish of ice cream in her brand new kitchen."

One small step at a time...