MY FAVORITE EASTER BUNNY

Aw, ain't she sweet?
Kayleigh, 10 1/2 weeks old 

SO NOT ON BEDREST ANYMORE

Yeah, so today was an interesting day.

First day back to work since LAST Thursday. Traffic was mild, it took only an hour to get to the city. Parked the car and as I got out suddenly noticed that I had a flat tire!

Decided I just couldn't deal with a flat today. Called Anthony and told him this was going to be his problem, because after all he was the one that made me take devil-car to work today. (I've been driving his car all winter).

Got a member of the IT department to put the donut on my car for me. I probably could have done it myself, but I have to at least pretend I am "in a delicate way" until we know for sure. I am sure after five days of total bedrest my doctor wouldn't want me hauling tires around.

Work was crazy busy. Barely had ten minutes to take a breather and eat a sandwich.

Hugged a colleague who left today at noon, for maternity leave. Was possibly the only person who didn't cry. Don't think it had to do with jealousy, though; I think I just didn't have any tears in me today.

Decided, while on the phone with Anthony, to leave my car at the office overnight and have Anthony deal with the tire-issue in the morning. After all, we could figure out another way for me to still meet up with Anthony that night.

Left work at five, which is rare these days. Walked to South Station, one of the two main train stations in Boston.

Took the 5:30 train to Worcester, MA. It arrived at 7:00PM. An hour and a half on the train - ick! Hey, at least I happened to have a book with me. (Trading Up, by Candace Bushnell)

Met Anthony at the train station, walked with him to the DCU center, and found our seats a few minutes into the Syracuse-Vermont NCAA Tournament Game.

At 7:50, walked with Anthony to the first aid room, where he had pre-arranged with the team on duty that we could use their private bathroom to do my progesterone shot.

Shoved that damn inch and a half long needle in my ass without being able to numb it with ice first. MAN IT HURT!!!!!!!

Went back to the game, a game that turned out to be THE BEST GAME OF THE NCAA TOURNAMENT thus far! We bought tickets to the tourney because my alma mater, BC, was having such a great season. They are in the tournament, but they blew it big time in the Big East Tournament and ended up playing in Cleveland! We were so pissed about this, but tonight's game more than made up for it. Tonight's game is what the NCAA tournament is all about. We were cheering for UVM, not because they were the local team, but simply because we would have cheered for ANY team over Syracuse. (Hate them! Hate them!) Syracuse, the number 4 seed, lost to UVM, the number 13 seed, in OT. What a game! WHAT A GAME! It was awesome.

We were so tired, so we hauled it out of there before the late game, which wouldn't even be starting until 10:00PM. Under other circumstances, I would make fun of myself for being such an old fart and thinking that 10:00PM on a Friday night was late.

But...given the fact that I am fresh off of bed rest, I had more than my share of excitement for one day. Tomorrow I have to drive Anthony to Boston (an hour to an hour and a half drive) to get my car and bring it to a tire place, and from there have to go get my blood drawn at the clinic to check my progesterone levels. After that, Anthony promised me we could go to the 50's diner for breakfast.

I just hope I didn't overdo it today.

Today was the OPPOSITE of bedrest.

THE SHAMROCK SHAKE vs. THE LEPRECHAUN LATTE

So I am jealous of everyone that will be drinking today, on St. Patty's Day. And I am not talking about green beer. No, I am talking about those fun non-alcoholic green drinks that chain restaurants put out this time of year. See, I am STILL confined to bed rest. I have been on God-Damn bedrest since SUNDAY! I am so stir crazy it is no longer funny. I cannot WAIT to return to work tomorrow - to get out of this house and return to the land of the living! To be able to go to Starbucks! I long for it!

So this got me thinking which is better of the two drinks offered up this time of year that I am not able to go out and partake in today - The Shamrock Shake, offered up by MacDonald's, or the Leprechaun Latte, offered up by Starbucks? Let's compare the two.

The Leprechaun Latte:

It is a hot beverage
It can be prepared as a decaf beverage, for those of us IVF'ing
It comes with a dollop of mint green colored whip cream on the top
It has a nice warm hint of mint flavoring

The Shamrock Shake

It is a cold ice cream beverage
It has no caffeine by nature
It has a lovely mint green color, through and through
It has a nice cool hint of mint flavoring

So one would assume that, since I am the world's biggest Starbucks fan, The Leprechaun Latte would be the drink I would go with. But about two weeks ago, I had to drop a package off in downtown Boston and stopped at a nearby Starbucks to get one, and it was less than exciting.

First of all, in the solid white cup with a lid on it, you cannot see the green whip cream. As far as you or anyone else knows, you are just drinking ordinary coffee. Not only that, when you walk with one of these beverages, as I had to walk back to the office, the drink sloshes around. The whip cream quickly melted in the heat of the latte below, and guess what? The latte is coffee-colored! Let me tell you - when green whipped cream mixes with coffee-colored latte, the resulting beverage is sludge-colored. No matter how good it tasted, I had a hard time finishing a swamp colored beverage. I had to throw it away.

So I guess I would have to pick the Shamrock Shake as my favorite. After all it is an ice cream beverage, and it maintains its beautiful fake mint-green coloring throughout the entire drinking experience.

The problem is, try finding one. Not many MacDonald's restaurants still offer this beverage.

One year, a salesman that I worked with was excited all week to get his Shamrock Shake, and he proudly waltzed down to the local MacDonald's on St. Patty's Day to get his shake.

"I'll have a Shamrock Shake!" he said.

"Sir, don't have those. We only have those beverages one day a year."

The salesperson was stunned, and could do nothing but look at his watch.

"But it is St. Patrick's Day!" he explained.

The girl on the register didn't get his point.

NO DEAL

A male acquaintance of mine, someone who has grown sad and tired of watching me go through all of this, has proposed a "deal."

He said that although we are not close friends, his heart breaks for me and he hates seeing the pain I am in. He prayed and prayed over this past weekend for me and, eventually, made a deal with God. He said that if God would just let this work for me, he would give up his future children. He and his wife currently have a 1 1/2 year old daughter. He told God that the day I become pregnant, he'll ensure that he can no longer have children himself.

I am overwhelmed by the gesture. Overwhelmed. It is so selfless and thoughtful.

But I must, must decline the offer. In fact, I loudly insist that this deal be taken back!

Here are my reasons:

First, the gesture is being done out of the desperation to HELP me. Everyone in my life is so utterly frustrated by this situation Anthony and I are in, mostly because they see us sad and want to help. But there is nothing anyone can do to help. This is not a situation that can be fixed. It is what it is, and this last little embryo is going to stick, or it isn't. Even the doctors cannot help me in this regard. I speak to my mother daily and she always ends up in tears, because she is my mother and she regards it as her job to take the pain away from her daughters, and yet she can't help me. There is nothing she can do to fix this for me, and it kills her. Therefore, while I appreciate the magnitude of this gesture, it is a gesture done as a desperate attempt to find some way to help me. And the truth is, aside from caring, offering up kind words, and listening, no one can possibly help. That sucks, but that is the truth of it.

Secondly, as an infertile person, I would find it too upsetting - almost a little insulting - that you may have all the ability in the world to procreate and yet won't take advantage. You have a child. She is the center of your universe. You claim that you haven't decided whether or not you will have more children. That decision must be made with you and your wife, and it must not have anything in the world to do with any people aside from the two of you. And dammit, if you want other children and CAN have them, you must! You should fill your house with babies, because you CAN. A person in my position would kill for the luxury of being able to decide whether to continue to have babies or not. Don't throw that ability away over something or someone who truly wouldn't want you to do so. As an infertile person, you owe it to me to procreate if you decide you want to. If you want ten babies, you owe it to those of us who cannot to have those ten babies, because you are fortunate enough to be able to. To throw that ability away is unspeakable to someone in my position.

Third, I am not sure what sort of God you pray to. I am still not, at 34 years old, 100% sure of the God that I pray to myself. But I think if I know anything, I know this: God is not a street vendor. God does not barter. He does not make deals. Not the God I know.

I am not a very religious person, but I have been doing my share of praying over the past year - especially over the past month. But more than anything, what I know deep down in my core is that God will either allow this embryo to implant today or tomorrow, and to grow and become my baby, or he will not. And whatever the outcome, it will have been the way it was supposed to be. God either wants this baby to happen for us, or he doesn't. But I doubt his plan for us involves you making a grand sacrifice, no matter how thoughtful or selfless the gesture may be.

Then again, it may also just be science. God may have nothing to do with it. We've taken great measures, some would say "against God's will" with doctors who, to some, "are playing God." Some would say that the fact that we've had to take these extreme measures with IVF means that God spoke on this matter a while ago and we just haven't listened. But the truth is, science can only take us so far with this process, and at some point it is up to the embryo to stick, or not. And this is something that neither the doctors, nor myself, nor God can control. Nor my friend with his selfless gesture.

This is the part of the process that frustrates the world. Everyone wants to do something to help, and yet no one can.

I ask my friend to take his deal with God back, and simply pray for us. Do not barter; do not promise away your future dreams. If you pray to God, pray that our little baby implants in the next 48 hours and becomes a baby. And pray that if it doesn't, that Anthony and I find a way to get through all of this and that we come out of it stronger people.

If anyone wants to help, this is sincerely what I need.

A SHOT

Well, transfer day brought mixed news.

Two of our three embryos had arrested by yesterday. I was pretty sad to hear that.

However, we still had one embryo, and according to the doctor it was a beauty. He said "for it to be such a perfect 4-celled embryo on only day two is fantastic." Transfer was as smooth as could be, and he repeated several times, "Your uterus looks perfect. The embryo looks perfect. The transfer went perfect. I wouldn't be surprised if this leads to pregnancy, Dawn."

As soon as he left the procedure room, I cried.

"How dare he get my hopes up like that?" Anthony concurred.

The doctor came back and I told him that we weren't as optimistic as he was. "After all," I said, "there is only 1 embryo in me, and it is all up to whether or not it decides to implant."

"You are right," he said, "and none of us can control that. But with your history, with the craziness of this cycle, and with the perfection that was this transfer, if it doesn't work just know you did EVERYTHING humanly possible. Take comfort in that."

And I will.

Because all I wanted was one more shot.

And I got it.