TODAY IS A GREAT DAY - I'M JUST A BITCH.

All right. I've calmed down a little. Today, after all, was a pretty good day.

We finally signed the P&S for our new house. Now it just needs to be built. We even filled out MOST of the selection sheets, so I can stop agonizing over all these little details. I can't believe the degree to which some of these decisions have been driving me bananas. We had 2 choices for the "style" of our shutters. I picked one style and for 3 weeks have absolutely been convinced that I made the wrong choice. WHO CARES? We're talking about shutters. Today, that choice is finalized. No going back now, I need to get on with my life.

Then of course I changed the ONE detail of our new home that Anthony picked out - the color of the vinyl siding. He told me that, overall, he thinks that I have good taste and he is comfortable with me selecting everything - every single detail was up to me to decide. Everything except the color of the vinyl siding - that was the ONE thing he picked out on his own. So of course, this morning before we signed the P&S I drove down our new street where many of our new neighbor's homes are in various stages of construction. I "convinced" him to switch to a vinyl siding color of my choosing, beautifully displayed on a completed home at the opposite end of the street. I am absolutely unbelievable. "Granite Grey," I argued, "is just too dark. Dark colors make things look smaller, and we don't want our new house looking smaller than it really is, do we? I vote for Sterling Grey." Anthony agreed. Or did I strong-arm him? Either way, I took away from him the one single detail in the house that was his. And he doesn't even seem to mind. God, I love him.

Anyways, maybe I am being so overbearing about the house because it is one thing in my life I currently have control over. Can't seem to figure out how to make a kid, but god dammit I can throw together the most beautiful freakin' house you've ever seen. I mean, I've got us paying for extras here and there that are the most miniscule details, but when the whole package is put together, it is going to be awesome. Perfection. Ah, yes, this I have control over. My own body? No. Where my body lives? Yes. This must be why I have so completely dived in to the process.

It may also explain why I was such a bitch when the signing was all done. I was snapping at Anthony in the car ride all the way home. We had to make a side trip to drop off an application for my mother and I to participate in a large Christmas fair in November. Yes, the application is due May 1 for a CHRISTMAS fair. They even have a jury to decide whether or not you'll be "allowed" to sell your products, if they deem us worthy. F' them. (Unless of course they accept us! Then I will sing their praises!)

Anyways I started being really bitchy to Anthony in the car on the way home - practically picking fights with him. We walked into the house and he retreated to the bedroom. Couldn't get away from me fast enough. And how could I really blame him?

Then I called my mom to tell her the application was dropped off. My dad got on the phone and they were asking about how the P&S went. I was still in my bitchy mood and my head hurt and I REALLY, REALLY, just didn't feel like being chatty. "Boy, you're in a great mood" my mom said. Dad said "Aren't you supposed to be happy? Celebrating? Today is a great day, you're building a house!"

"I have to go lie down. It is a great day, I am just tired and need to rest - it was a draining process." I hung up the phone.

I suspect I know where the bitchy-ness came from. I am not mad. I am terrified. With the P&S to focus on, I haven't had time to focus on Wednesday. I am terrified to have surgery. I am dreading it something awful. I know it is "routine" and I've blogged on this topic previously, but I guess with all other formalities out of the way there is not a lot to think about or focus on and I can't avoid the subject any longer.

I am scared. I am scared of the pain and the recovery process. I am scared that I won't make it through and they'll have to tell Anthony I died on the table. I am scared that they will botch it and I will lose my uterus or part of my bowels.

Most of all, I am scared of being so close to THE ANSWER. I've replayed the words by now over and over in my head and I am so afraid that I am going to be one step closer to the words actually being spoken out loud.

"Ms. Corrado....I'm afraid its worse than we thought. I'm afraid it will be impossible for you to ever get pregnant. I'm sorry."

I'm so scared of the possibility of that, and terrified of what that means for me, and Anthony, and for the rest of our lives. That Gerber Baby commercial with the slogan that rings so true, "Having a baby changes everything" - well I've got news for the Gerber people, not having a baby changes everything too. It changes lifelong plans. It changes lifelong dreams. It changes the meaning of everything in my life.

Hey, didn't I start off by saying that today was a GOOD day? I think these long, ranting, depressing blogs are the results of having to face my fears about Wednesday.

And, the good news is I am agonizing over whether or not to put white or black marble tile on the floor of our full bathroom. I can always keep using our new house as a distraction.

ENOUGH WITH THE NICE-GUY ROUTINE...

Okay, who am I kidding? I am just realizing what a complete and total asshole I sound like in this blog. I am thinking too hard, trying to present this image of myself that I want others to take in and absorb. It's all crap.

First of all, NO ONE is reading this blog. Sure, it is public. But I am not really about to give the address out to my family or friends. So who am I pretending for? Right about now the only person I am pretending for is myself, because as far as I can tell I am the only person who reads the damn thing.

So enough with the games and the pretending. It is truth-time.

Truth? I am tired. And sick. I am sick and tired. I am sick and tired of it all. Life is just too damn HARD. I want a god-damned break. You know what I would like? I would like a day of nothing - a vacation day from life. Not just from the hustle and bustle of living day to day life, that is one thing. I want a vacation from my own mind. I absolutely, utterly exhaust myself, and I am sick and tired of it.

Do you know what I would do if I granted myself a day off tomorrow to just sit on the couch and watch tv? I wouldn't relax. No.....I would tell myself I was relaxing but the truth is I would sit there, thinking about what a fat slob I have allowed myself to become by not getting regular exercise and putting on 10 (yes 10) pounds a year for the last 3 years. Yes, that's right, 30 pounds in 3 years. If I live to be 90, at this rate I will weigh........yeah right, as if I am going to allow anyone to do backwards math and figure out my current weight. NOT THAT THERE IS A SOUL OUT THERE READING THIS.

That is an example of a relaxing moment in my life. This is what I do to myself. So fast forward again to my day of doing nothing sitting on the couch. If I stopped feeling guilty about being a lazy fat slob, then I would start looking around at the collection of dust bunnies on the floor and feel guilty about the messy condition my house is in. I won't clean it, because why spend the energy cleaning dust bunnies that will just return in a few days? Seems like a waste to me. And after all I can live with it this way. But my husband.....my poor husband.....He is such a neat freak and it drives him crazy how messy I can be. He'll eventually clean the floors but I am afraid he will ever-so-slightly resent me for it. Eventually, the resentment will build up and in another three years (when I am 60 pounds heavier) he'll wise up and leave his lazy, fat, barren wife.

I cannot get a moment's peace from my thoughts. I am making myself nuts.

I think I have stumbled on to something. Is this why I keep myself constantly so god-damned busy? Why I fill every single waking moment of my life with "something" to do, "somewhere" to run off to, "some" project to tackle? Is it because I am so afraid that if I have nothing to do, nothing to keep me busy, that I will be forced to be alone with my thoughts, and I will actually have to pay attention to what I am telling myself?

Hmm...I don't want to think about it.

I wonder if I need some help. Knowing that, after my surgery Wednesday, I am actually going to catch this much needed break (really - I haven't stopped running around since we returned from Aruba on March 13th). I am going to be laid up and on my couch for four days straight with nothing to do but catch up on my Tivo, read my book and THINK. This baby stuff is weighing on me heavily these days, and it will be all I think about non-stop and I am scared.

People at work bitch to me about - well, about work related things - and I find myself wanting to scream at them "Don't you GET it? Your issue is SO not important to me! I can't get PREGNANT!!! Do you have any idea how that feels? This is not what I wanted to do with my life! The ONLY two things I ever knew for SURE that I wanted to be are a WIFE and a MOTHER, and I am scared to death that I may not get to be the second thing, and if that is the truth I just may be so depressed I will fuck-up being the first thing! Don't you silly people get it that I am just marking time at this company, that this was just supposed to be a quickie-gig to pass time until I got pregnant and moved on to my new FTM career - Full Time Mommy. Don't you get it that this interim job is now going on a year and a half and it was never supposed to be this!!!! Please, take your work issues and go bitch at someone who gives a crap!" But I can't say these things. I bottle these thoughts on a daily basis.

I think I need help. I think I need to talk to someone. Anthony is great, but he doesn't know exactly what I need to hear right now. He's a practical guy, patiently collecting all the facts to figure out the solution to the problem. He's a problem solver, and I love him for that. It's one of the things I love the most about him. But I don't need a problem solver necessarily with this issue. I need to be emotional about it. I need to scream and cry and throw a temper tantrum and smash all the furniture in my house until I am an exhausted quivering mess lying on the cold tile floor. Somehow I KNOW that will make me feel better, but emotions like that scare the living crap out of Anthony, and he is scared enough with the worry of what is going to happen to me the day I am told I can't ever have babies.

I think I need some help. I think I need to talk to someone to get these redundant annoying thoughts out of my head.

Until then, no more bullshit on this blog. From now on, only the real me and the real things I am feeling. And if it is weird or disturbing or boring I don't give a FUCK - no one is reading my blog anyways.



However, if anyone in the world happens upon my blog and wants to share some comments or feedback or thoughts of any kind, I welcome it whole-heartedly.

ROOMS TO GROW...

So tomorrow is going to be a great day, because Anthony and I are going to sign our Purchase and Sales agreement on the new house we will be having built. This house is my dream house. It has 10 rooms, and 4 bedrooms. 4 BEDROOMS!

It's a lot of house for just me and my husband.

I REALLY, REALLY hope that we'll actually have some kids to fill it up someday soon.

NOT SO HYSTER-ICAL...

I had to sign a consent form today basically saying that in the event that they botch my laparoscopy and end up having to perform a hysterectomy (removal of my uterus), I won't sue them (the clinic, the doctor, or the hospital).

I signed the damn thing, but explain me this....how will I be able to have a baby of my own without a uterus? Isn't the point of this surgery to INCREASE my chances of conceiving? Ugh....

THAT'S A SALARY....

Some days are painful at work. Tonight, I had to inform my boss that I recently had him purchase a new software package that cost $36,000.00 that it turns out we don't need.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHH........................

WHAT THE HELL DID I SAY??

One more week 'til my laparoscopy. I know it isn't a big deal, but I am getting nervous. I know surgeries happen every day, but not to me! And I know this isn't open heart surgery, but I will still be put under general anasthesia, which is scary.

Actually, when I had surgery in '01 I was put under, and it was alluded to that I had full blown conversations with my mother and my husband when I was "going under" and when I was "in recovery" that I don't remember AT ALL.

It is one thing to lose those hours because I'm actually in surgery. But it is quite another thing to have full blown conversations with people that are permanently removed from my memory. I mean, what if I said something bad? Or mean? Or incriminating? Not that I have a guilty conscience or anything. Its just that if I am going to participate in a conversation, I would like at the very least to be semi-conscious of my participation!

Anyways, lots more to write about but I am running out the door. I am going to try to sit down again soon and write some more because a lot is happening in my life these days.