Not a hell of a lot to report these days. Honestly. Life's pretty dull. And dull is quiet. And quiet can be nice.
No wallowing in self-pity tonight. I did my fair share of wallowing for several days following my last post. In fact, on Wednesday night of this past week I hit another rock-bottom. I started screaming at Anthony at the top of my lungs for God-knows-what, and before we knew it the screaming was about, of course, IVF. I was screaming to him that no one cared, no one listened, that no one could be bothered with my plight any more...(hey - 'Easy-Reader' just won his first Oscar! Good for him!) Anyways Wednesday was Day 1 of my cycle, which meant I needed to report to the clinic on Thursday morning for Bloodwork and an Ultrasound. In other words, time for the next series of daily injections to begin, and in two weeks, the next procedures. I was just drained, and while screaming at Anthony for I-don't-know-why, I kept repeating to him "I can't, I can't - I can't do this anymore. I am not going to the clinic tomorrow." Anthony kept his cool and just said to me over and over, "If you don't want to go, don't. If you can't do this anymore, we can stop. If it is too much, then just say so." He calmed me down, wiped my tears, helped me blow my nose, and put me to bed. "Sleep on it," he said. "If you don't want to go in the morning it is okay." I slept on it, and in the morning off to the clinic I went. As serious as I was the night before, I am also smart enough to know that when I am hopped up on hormones is not the time to be making rash emotion-driven decisions. So, we're fully into IVF #3, and my thighs and abdomen have the injection-site bruises to prove it.
Other than that there is nothing much to report.
The job continues to go well.
The cold still lingers.
The snow refuses to let up even for one day.
Oh, and after the gym this morning I turned to my mother and said "Do you mind if we go to Starbucks?" The whole ride there, I talked to her about IVF. She, for the first time in a while, did not change the subject. She listened, she participated in the discussion, she offered advice, and offered her sympathy. It is what I have needed from her for some time now. I guess because I had her trapped in the car with me she had no choice but to listen, right? Actually, that is not true, because she still could have tried to change the subject as she has been doing in the recent past, but today she did not. I think if she had I was in such a mindset that I would have pulled the car over and given her an earful. So. I am thankful she was finally there for me today, because I really needed it.
The other positive is that Anthony and I began hinting at talks of a vacation. Granted, we're talking about something that we wouldn't be doing for another six months or so. And we threw in the "we'll go unless we're pregnant" line. And then we laughed our asses off at that one. "So we'll definitely be going" we joked to one another. It is nice, though, to have a trip to look forward to. Nothing huge and fancy, but SOMETHING to allow us to temporarily escape from the everyday drama. Estimated departure date: September 8th, our 4 year anniversary.
Not a hell of a lot going on here these days. Nothing at all.
