PANIC AND PARANOIA SET IN

I can't do this. Who am I kidding? I can't be a MOTHER!

I am far too immature, even at almost 35 years old, to be someone else's parent.

I am far too selfish to me someone's mom.

I am far too emotional to take care of another human life.

I am far too overtired to take home a new baby soon.

I am far too naive and inexperienced to care for a baby.

I am far too ignorant to the needs of and dangers that will be surrounding my new little girl.

I am far too weird to be responsible for shaping the mind of another human being.

I am far too scared to do this. I am far too scared of failure.

Then, there are the absolutely RIDICULOUSLY stupid thoughts that go through my mind. What if the clinic screwed up and transferred someone else's embryo, and my little Mandy Corrado is actually some other couple's little Juanita Gonzalez? Not that I would have any problem raising a hispanic child or a child of any other race for that matter, I am not prejudiced, but due to the fact that this was a supposed "successful" IVF, I would like my baby Corrado, with 50% of my DNA and 50% of Anthony's DNA. These are the thoughts swimming in my brain these days.

Or, what if she was somehow "contaminated?" Remember the episode of "Seinfeld" when Jerry and Kramer observed their friend's operation, and Kramer accidentally dropped a junior mint into the patient and they sewed him up with the candy inside of him? Lately I have been speculating about what foreign substances may possibly have gotten into little embryo-Mandy's petri dish back on March 11th. Maybe the lab tech was drinking a YooHoo and spilled some. Could that cause cancer or some weird birth defect? Or what if this lab person very simply had an excessive saliva problem and got spit in the petri dish, and they have AIDS?

...and so on. Welcome to my world of paranoia that I live in these days.

This all proves one of my earlier points. I am way too weird to have kids.

What was I thinking?

(Maybe I am just extremely over tired? Perhaps I will go to bed now.)

THE FASTEST UPDATE EVER

Still busy as all hell with work. Crazy busy. Mostly, probably, because I have 4 work days left, and the people I work for are trying to squeeze every last drop out of me before my maternity leave begins. Also, probably, because I am such a consciencious employee that it matters to me that I tie up all loose ends in a nice ribbon so that I can leave with peace of mind, knowing that I didn't leave any shit-storms for the people covering for me while I am gone. The people that don't know for certain yet that I won't be back after little Amanda gets here.

Four more work days. I can hardly believe it.

In the meantime, pregnancy continues. I am huge and I am uncomfortable ever minute of the day, especially at night when I wish I was sleeping. None of my maternity clothes fit me anymore, but I will be damned if I am going to buy any more clothes two weeks before my due date. So I stretch what I have over my huge body and trudge to work every day, looking sloppy and slovenly and feeling like I am going to bust through all the seams at any moment.

I have been having random contractions, but so far they come and then just as quickly they go, so I know it isn't the real thing yet.

I went to the hospital last Monday, 11/7, because the pains were so bad. They had me fill out all the baby's paperwork "just in case," and monitored me and her up in Labor and Delivery for an hour in a half. They concluded that YES I was having contractions, but NO they were not regular enough yet to be the real deal. All I keep thinking every time I get these pains is that if these aren't the real ones and these hurt this much, just how bad will the real ones be? If I ever had ANY hesitation on whether or not I would be getting an epidural, those moments have passed. Gimme the drugs, baby, as soon as humanly possible.

I had an appointment yesterday, and I am only 1/2 a centimeter dilated. I am, however, 50% effaced. I know that this means nothing, as people have given birth a day after being told they haven't dilated at all, and other women can walk around for 3 weeks at 3 centimeters. But I must say, the fact that SOMETHING happened since last week, ANYTHING, makes me feel like at least we're making progress.

Can you tell I am, um, anxious?

So, my posting will still be sporadic unfortunately until around this time next Wednesday, when WORK HELL will finally cease. Then, we play the waiting game.

I may be wishing, right about then, that I was still busy like I am now. Sitting at home, staring at the clock waiting for baby-day might absolutely make me insane.

But all in all, the good news is, we're getting there.

I've also got my sister Cheryl on board to post the update here on my blog when the BIG DAY actually gets here, so even though I have been neglectful with updates recently, THAT big news will be posted promptly - I promise.