NUMBERS

So as of yesterday, the number is nine.

Nine follicles, that is.

On my left ovary I have 5 follicles. One is 12.5mm, two are 12, and two are less than 10.

On my right ovary I have 4 follicles. One is 10 and the other three are less than 10mm.

My uterine lining is 9.6mm. According to them, it is "perfect."

They've upped my FSH injections to get these things growing a bit more. This explains why my abdomen feels like a basketball - from bloating. Which I must admit is a VERY odd feeling when you are NOT pregnant and never have been. It is weird to see that stomach skin inflated and stretched tightly and yet, not have a reason to rejoice over this growing belly.

Not yet, anyways.

Those were my numbers as of yesterday.

DEAR LIZA, DEAR LIZA

So, before I started my very first IVF cycle, I read The Couple's Guide to IVF, and it was incredibly helpful in preparing both me and Anthony for what was to come.

As you know, two days ago I was going through a depressive state.

The author of that book left a comment on my blog that day.

Briefly, momentarily, the cloud lifted. I honestly am so unbelievably moved that this author, who has already helped me so much anonymously, found my blog and cared enough not only to read but to comment. To personally wish me good, positive thoughts.

What would I do without this internet world? It is pretty amazing indeed.

And yes, I am doing a little bit better today. Thank you all!


And thank you SO MUCH, Liza.

ALL I CAN SAY IS...

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

All of you.

I am having a hard time right now, but honestly don't know how I could possibly get through any of this if it weren't for all of you. You are all my very very special friends, because you all know and understand the pain like no one else in my world.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for all of your love. I hope I can do as well to reciprocate to each of you.

Thank you.

I JUST CAN'T

I just can't blog.

I don't know what my problem is. Well, I have a LOT of problems, and I could name them all if you had an hour to spare, but I don't know what is preventing me from blogging.

I just can't do it. I am so depressed. I am afraid I am on the brink of spiraling out of control. I keep reminding myself that it is probably the drugs that are doing this to my state of mind, that I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, that I am doing well "considering"....but I am incredibly depressed and the one thing that used to help me out in this capacity - blogging - is just not an option right now. I just can't do it. I haven't got it in me. This makes me even sadder.

I have also noticed that I have gotten myself into 2 weird new habits. First, I continuously refer to IVF #2. Meaning, I continuously walk around with the assumption that this first one is going to fail. Which makes me depressed. Second, any time I dare to refer to the possibility of this IVF cycle working, (which is rare), I say "babies." Not baby. Babies. As in, I assume that if this IVF works there will be multiples. I assume it. What the hell? This makes me even more depressed.

I am just so sad, and so confused, and so SAD. All the time.

....Sorry...don't mind me...its got to be the drugs, because this is just out of hand.

FOLLI-STUPID (UPDATED)

Any IVF'ers out there use the Follistim Pen? I am a major stress case this morning over the damn thing.

The instructions on using it are clear enough - dial the dosage needed, insert needle and push plunger all the way to zero. Zero means you have given yourself the correct dosage. If there is not enough medicine left in the cartridge for your full dosage, it will stop before zero, and the number it stops on is the amount you need to give yourself out of the next cartridge.

Simple enough.

Now, as much as I am crazy busy and have tons going on right now, my drug regimen is not something I am haphazard about. I am meticulous with the medications, because in the grand scheme of everything this is the only thing that matters right now.

So, imagine my surprise.

My instructions were to give myself 225 units of Follistim on Saturday, Sunday and Monday. Knowing ahead of time that there are only 600 units of medicine in each cartridge, I knew that on Monday night I would need to administer two shots because there would only be 150 units left in the original cartridge.

So, as usual I dialed the pen to 225. I wanted to see it stop on 75 like it was supposed to. I pushed the plunger in and it kept going and going and going - all the way to zero.

I swear, I sat there silently staring at my injection site for twenty minutes. "What do I do? What do I do?" Anthony was as dumbfounded as I was.

"Are you sure you dialed it right tonight?" he asked.

"Positive."

"Are you sure you gave yourself the right amount the last two nights?"

"Anthony," I said, trying to stay calm, "this is the ONLY thing I am certain about. I am doing my meds correctly, I know I am."

After much debate, I decided to still go ahead and give myself an additional 75 units. I cannot understand or explain the behavior of the pen, but bottom line I know that a cartridge only contains 600 units and that after 3 nights I should have administrated 675 units. In equal doses every night, but apparently I have no way of knowing whether this happened or not.

I am very, very stressed out. I wanted to ensure that I got the right amount of meds last night, but what if in fact I wound up giving myself 75 units too many?

I guess that is why they monitor my blood work so closely. I am on my way to the clinic now, in fact. Let's see what they say.

Update: Thank all of you for your comments. The nurse told me the same thing you all told me, that the cartridges are overfilled with medicine. It really, really would have been nice to know that ahead of time. Here I thought this whole process was so precise and scientific! Anyways, I did indeed take 75 IU's too many, but they made a note of that in my chart. When they called in the afternoon with instructions, the nurse said everything was looking "perfect" and that I should stop worrying, she reassured me that the mistake I made has no bearing because everything looks good. So...that is reassuring.

NO POOL?

I just realized why it totally doesn't feel like September to me, yet.

I don't have a pool this year.

I am not talking about the swimming-variety. This is the first time in seven years that I have not participated in (or run) a football pool.

It sucks!

I love football - but not being a part of a football pool makes watching the "other" games (a.k.a. the non-Patriot's games) kind of anticlimatic.

I need to scratch my gambling itch big time. It's been a while since I have done any gambling. That is probably a good thing, because the last time I gambled I was so successful I don't stand to ever do that well again. We were in Aruba in March, and I started playing blackjack with $100 and walked away from the table that night with a cool grand. It was a night not soon to be duplicated for sure, but it was awesome!

Right now, however, is certainly not the time to start gambling again - I don't have any disposable income these days, certainly not for blackjack or slot machines. But being in a football pool would sooth the itch - momentarily - until Christmas.

I need a pool.

COME ON IN, IT'S OPEN - PART III

This is starting to get old.

We had our third open house today from 12 to 2.

From 12 to 1:30 we had NO ONE show up. It was, to say the least, very discouraging.

I think the fact that this is Red Sox nation, and they were playing the Evil Empire in the Bronx at 1:00PM may have had something to do with our lack of prospective home buyers. We New Englanders, particularly we Bostonians, are maniacal regarding our beloved Red Sox, and the world stops when they play the Yankees. It just does. There are days that I both thank and curse Anthony for teaching me what it REALLY means to be a true Red Sox fan. It means learning to live with constant, chronic heartbreak. It means having hope, enormous, tremendous hope, season after season, and having that hope dashed and trampled upon time and time again, while watching triumph come seemingly so easy to some other teams.

Hmm....sounds oddly familiar to the never ending heartbreak that is infertility, doesn't it?

Anyways....pondering whether or not it is worth having an open house next Sunday, since the Sox are playing the Yankees again next weekend. I'm thinking let's not waste our time, but who knows. We still have a few days to decide.