GETTING OVER IT

So, it is slow going for sure, but I am starting to get over "it."

After all, duh, I should get over it. Nothing bad happened, right?

Except that I keep having nightmares. I think the fact that I looked in the rear view mirror and saw the van not stopping is what is preventing me from just easily moving on. If I had simply been hit, rather than witnessing the van coming at me full speed, maybe it would be different. I go to bed at night and I keep seeing him over and over and over again. I keep remembering how I had to brace myself, and how I tensed up (which is probably how I hurt my arm), and I keep dreaming a zillion other outcomes different than the miraculous outcome I had.

Like I said, I really should get over it, because after all everything is okay. But it is just hard at times, especially at night.

I did finally have that inevitable emotional release that I knew was coming. Last Thursday night I was bickering with Anthony over nonsense, and all of a sudden I just lost it - I started sobbing uncontrollably. For a minute I think Anthony thought I had lost my mind, because there was NO REASON for me to be crying at all, let alone as intensely as I was, over what we were arguing about. But rather quickly I think he realized "oh, yeah, she is finally crying about the accident" and he immediately snapped to. He stopped bickering back to me and just held me, rubbed my head, and let me cry. I think I really needed that release.

You know what was weird? (Sorry, I am rambling in my words due to my scatterbrained thought-process). It was obvious to me, after I had that big cry, that it has been a LONG time since I have felt that bad. Before that, I can't remember the last time I cried. As opposed to last year, when all I ever DID was cry. I felt so sad when I was crying on Anthony's shoulder, but once it was over I realized that it had been months since I had felt so sad.

I guess what I am failing miserably to say is that maybe the good that has come out of this whole experience is that it made me keenly aware of how happy I have been these past few months. Sure, I complained a lot about my morning sickness and such, but the truth is I feel like my life finally is starting to make sense. Things have started to fall into place. I am less than four months away from getting everything I have ever wanted. Mandy's daily calisthenics in my belly make me smile, and serve as a daily reminder that life is pretty damn good these days.

Okay, with that said, I am putting this whole car ickiness behind me right...NOW.

I'm over it.