I'M ALIVE

Just not well enough to spend any time in front of a PC or on my laptop. I have been non-stop puking since noon YESTERDAY. I am completely dehydrated, and in the past twenty-four hours have managed to eat 12 crackers. None of which have stayed down. Hey - maybe this will be a nice kick-start to my diet. (Kidding).

I feel like I may be starting to turn a corner, but man has it been rough. Anthony said in the eight years he has been with me he has never seen me this sick. Ever.

Man, life is crazy. Instead of being on bedrest to protect some precious little embryos in my belly, I am on bedrest because I can't keep one damned thing IN my belly. Ugh.

Why is it that it always takes me getting sick to appreciate how good it feels to be healthy? Why don't I ever wake up on a good health day and take a deep breath and say "Man, do I feel GOOD! And HEALTHY! It feels GREAT to not be sick!" Why don't I do that?

This is a nice segue into another topic, but I haven't got the strength. Need to go pray to the porcelain god again. Thanks as always for your abundance of kindness, you all help me more than you possibly know. Really.

QUICKER UPDATE

Influenza.

The Flu.

I've got it bad!

I am glad I went to the emergency room, to find out that I am not just depressed about my news, or simply crampy from the procedure yesterday. The doctor even said "Wow, you've DEFINITELY got the Flu."

It is interesting - I haven't had a moment to get too depressed about the cancelled IVF yet, probably because I am preoccupied with just how shitty I feel. Although I wonder if the bad embryos are a blessing? If both of my eggs had fertilized into two beautiful embryos, I am willing to bet they still would have cancelled tomorrow due to my symptoms. Right? At least this way I can take DRUGS. And I don't have to begin those dreaded progesterone shots in my ass tonight. (Trying desperately to look for the silver lining here). Yes, this is better. If I had two healthy embryos but had to cancel the transfer because I contracted the flu, I would be so pissed. However, as it stands, I got cancelled, found out that I have the flu, and got a prescription to help me get well sooner.

As far as this wacky IVF cycle goes, the doctor basically said we're going to chalk this one up to being an "anomaly." I have responded so well in the past to the meds that they just cannot explain what went on this time. There is a team of all the RE's at my center who review all cases every Monday. I was told I could call the center on Tuesday and speak with the RE who performed my egg retrieval personally, and he'll tell me what their collective thoughts are on how to proceed with me.

All I want right now is to start feeling better soon, and to know just how quickly I can start my next IVF cycle.

The sooner the better, as far as I am concerned. Let's just get on with it. No time to mourn this one, what's the point?

QUICK UPDATE

I am not posting this in any way, shape, or form to be melodramatic or to make people pity me – I am simply posting an update because I am overdue.

Cannot go into details due to time constraints, but the three main points I want to get across are:

1) my eggs did not result in good embryos, so no embryo transfer. This IVF cycle is over.
2) I am on my way to the emergency room, as I think I have a virus, the flu, or perhaps a nasty reaction to yesterday’s meds and anesthesia.
3) Got the job situation resolved – will post in detail about that tomorrow, when I am home. I was already scheduled to have the day off due to the embryo transfer, and since I feel like I am on my deathbed there is no reason not to stay home tomorrow.

More details later...

EGG RETRIEVAL DAY

And I'm off, for my 10:45AM egg retrieval.

Let's hope both eggs cooperate and work with us today. Let's hope with only 2 eggs, we can yield 2 embryos. 2 VIABLE embryos.

Will post later in my half-conscious, groggy state.

OR NOT CANCELLED?

"Jane, get me off this crazy thing....called life..." - Mike Myers, "So I Married An Axe Murderer."

So it seems I am not cancelled after all. I really want off this emotional roller-coaster ride. I mean, really. I was just starting to get over the heartbreak of being cancelled. Then...

The clinic called today to instruct me to trigger tonight.

"But," I questioned, "both the nurse and the ultrasound technician told me yesterday, unequivocably, that you will not do an IVF cycle with only 2 mature eggs. That it is, essentially, a waste of time."

The kind woman on the phone explained to me that this is true. However, my lovely insurance carrier is going to charge me for a full IVF cycle anyways, even though we haven't arrived at egg retrieval yet. "Therefore," she said, "If this is going to count for you as an IVF cycle, then we're going to give you an IVF cycle."

I can't even explain how I feel. I am all over the map. I am mad that my insurance carrier would count this as one of my 6 IVF cycles when, ultimately, it is a failure and no doctor in the country would consider going through with it, except out of pity apparently. Also, I don't want to be mad at my insurance carrier because, hey, I have COVERAGE for this - such a rare thing - and my out of pocket costs this cycle so far are $100. Not much money at all. So who am I to complain?

I was sort of getting my brain wrapped around the idea of being cancelled, or of doing an IUI cycle, and so I am still processing the news that we are moving ahead with IVF after all.

My egg retrieval is Tuesday. I already told Anthony that I am willing to bet we won't make it to embryo transfer on Friday. First, they have to get both eggs out successfully. Then, one or both need to fertilize. Then, one or both embryos need to be good enough quality, or "viable." Last cycle we retrieved 11 eggs, had 10 fertilize, and of the 10 only 5 were viable embryos. They transfered 2 and the other 3 perished before day 5 and were not able to be frozen.

So I look at two eggs and don't like the odds. But hey, who knows, right?

I just don't know - like I said, at the moment my feelings are all over the map. It is quarter to four and the only thing I want to think about right at this point in time is "Go PATRIOTS!" I need to veg out, and playoff football in front of the fireplace I think may do the trick.

Thanks, as always, for your kind thoughts and well-wishes.