ME & CHARLOTTE...

Obviously it has been a while since I have written anything. One of my fears is coming true, we have been on Clomid for the past 3 months - my doctor only prescribed us on 3 month's worth and basically said "it will work in that time, or it won't." Well, it didn't. My period is starting tonight and that means all 3 rounds of Clomid failed.

I hate to use the word failed, but it describes how I have been feeling about this whole situation. I feel like a failure. In fact, just last night on "Sex and The City," Charlotte was coming face to face with her own struggles with infertility. One of the narrations said (I am paraphrasing) "in High School, Charlotte always won everything......but now the one thing she could not seem to win was the baby race." She broke down on a park bench in front of a total stranger because she had been bottling up feelings of inadequacy. I started crying right then and there, which is embarrassing because it was "Sex and The City" after all!

I don't know that I necessarily feel like a failure, but I feel like I have "let down" my husband, "let down" our families, and most of all I have "let down" myself. I am angry with myself for not trying sooner. I know this logic makes no sense, but I tell myself that if we hadn't waited 9 months to start trying, we'd be 9 months further along in the process by now, and maybe by now I would be pregnant or have a baby. Who could have known? I am mad at myself for it never occurring to me that it could be difficult to conceive. Sure, I would say it in passing, like "you never know, Anthony, we'll have trouble trying to have a baby." But I never BELIEVED it. I am so mad at myself for assuming this would just come so easy.

We're currently at a crossroads. We're approaching the 2 year mark. It is emotionally draining to go through the disappointment and the heartache and the tears every month. In comparison to other fertility-challenged couples, 2 years may be a short amount of time. But I don't know if I have the strength to keep going in this manner. It takes up too many of my thoughts and emotions. Meanwhile my whole life is passing me by.

Anthony and I have some serious thinking ahead of us. I am not saying that we are already going to give up all together, but we may need to table the whole baby idea for a while. Press pause, if you will. In the meantime, we have a nice vacation coming up which is long overdue. We've also started the long process of looking for a new home, giving ourselves a one year deadline to acquire the "house of our dreams." The baby topic needs to get moved from being the #1 priority in our lives to not a priority at all, at least for the short term.

Or, I will call my ob/gyn and see what our next step is. Like I said, we have a decision to make.