CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

I can’t believe I barely get to post even once a week anymore.

I can’t believe Anthony and I moved into my parent’s house for no good reason.

I can’t believe we still haven’t sold our old house.

I can’t believe our buyers have made us revise our Purchase and Sales Agreement four times and have “missed” four scheduled closing dates already.

I can’t believe we are foolish enough to believe that these people are still going to buy our house.

I can’t believe that we may not have our old house sold before the closing on our new house.

I can’t believe we signed an agreement with the construction company for the new house saying “if you haven’t sold your old house, tough luck, you cannot postpone this closing date.”

I can’t believe we may have to find a way to “come up with” over $100,000 if our buyers don’t get this closing done for us prior to December 1st.

I can’t believe the sale of our old house has completely ruined all the excitement we had about the new house.

I can’t believe I was actually thinking about leaving my husband yesterday.

I can’t believe that all of these ongoing “issues” that have been hanging over our heads for MONTHS are still not resolved.

I can’t believe I am actually able to manage getting myself out of bed every morning.

I can’t believe we still haven’t purchased a refrigerator for a house we plan to move into in twelve days.

I can’t believe that my husband’s big problem, which he sprung on me in August, finally appears to be resolved.

I can’t believe that my husband’s big problem ever happened in the first place.

I can’t believe that I have stuck to my new diet for a whole month.

I can’t believe that I have lost 11.4 pounds already.

I can’t believe that this weight loss is hardly making a dent as far as the total amount of weight I need to lose.

I can’t believe that I joined a gym, and that I actually look forward to going there every night.

I can’t believe that I actually have SOMETHING to look forward to at all these days.

I can’t believe that I got through my sister’s baby shower last Sunday without crying, not even once.

I can’t believe that I actually ENJOYED the baby shower.

I can’t believe that this new dream house is ever REALLY going to be mine.

I can’t believe that I am going to be a Godmother to my very first niece or nephew in one month.

I can’t believe the holidays are here!

I can’t believe that I promised some blog friends some handmade bags several months ago, and yet they are all packed away in a box, somewhere, still unfinished.

I can’t believe that one month from today I will be 34 years old and no closer to being a mother.

I can’t believe that I decided to go to my 15-year High School Reunion next Friday after being strongly convinced that it was the LAST EVENT ON EARTH I could handle going to at this time in my life.

I can’t believe how sad I am, all the time.

I can’t believe that my husband told me how much of a “miserable bitch” I am to live with these days.

I can’t believe that I completely agree with him 100%.

I can’t believe that I told him I hate him last night, because I really don’t.

I can’t believe he said the infertility issues affect him emotionally as much as they affect me.

I can’t believe that when I said that wasn’t possible, that he cried.

I can’t believe we are where we are today.

I can’t believe we used to be fun, happy people.

I can’t believe he stays with me, through all of this.

I can’t believe we haven’t killed each other yet.

Most of all, I am finding it hard to believe that this is ever going to end.

SEPARATION ANXIETY

Had a long overdue, lengthy "chat" last night with my husband.

In some cases, I may have been over-reacting. In other cases, not so much.

He also had a few choice things to say to me. All of which were true.

We've been through so much lately, and things have been so hard and so bad lately, that we've been treating each other like shit and taking all of our frustration and stress out on one another.

We will not be separating. We're trying to work out our issues as best as we can.

But man oh man, do we need the tide to turn for us, and SOON.

Because I am not really sure how much more we can take.

HOW IMPORTANT IS TRUST?

As if things couldn’t get any worse.

How important is trust? In a marriage, I mean. Is it THE most important thing?

I kind of think it is.

If you found out that your spouse was lying to you, how well would you accept it?

If you additionally found out that, over and above the lies, there were other things going on in his life that you knew nothing about where very important facts were omitted, how well would you accept that?

With the hell I have been through this past year, particularly in the past six months, to realize today that I do not trust my husband anymore is just more than I can bear.

Anthony got some wonderful news today – some fabulous news, as a matter of fact. The news he got FINALLY resolves his “problem.” He called me to tell me and I congratulated him whole heartedly. Because I meant it sincerely, I am happy for him and I am proud of him.

What he doesn’t realize is that there is an email sitting out there that I sent to him earlier today asking for a trial separation.

If you don’t have trust in a marriage, you don’t have anything as far as I am concerned. And I currently don’t trust my husband at all. How does this possibly get repaired? When do things start to go right for us? We are less than two weeks away from closing on our dream house, and I just formally asked my husband for a separation.

Life is so fucked up sometimes.