CRAVINGS

Oh, so you'd like an update, would you?

Yeah, so would I!

My clinic tested my second beta last Sunday - Easter Sunday - as I mentioned in my last post, and all was good. Then they told me they didn't want to see me for a week!

I am going for another blood test on Sunday, moreo to check my progesterone levels than anything else, but I am sure they will do a Beta test as well. Let me tell you, it has been a long week.

It has been exactly one week since we got the shocking news, and I still spend most of my days shaking my head, repeating silently, "I don't believe it!" It doesn't seem real to me. And this week-in-between-BETA checks is crap!

On Wednesday morning, when I was convinced it had all been a cruel week-early April Fool's joke, I bought myself a home pregnancy test on the way to work and peed on it once I arrived. This was not my first morning pee (no, these days by 8:00AM you can assume I've already peed 719 times), and despite the "less concentrated" urine sample I saw two very bright pink lines for the first time EVER. I re-wrapped the test in its foil package and put it in my bag. (I know - GROSS! - but I feel like I should have it bronzed or something).

I've also already become one of "those people" I didn't want to be. I have called the nurses at the clinic almost every day with questions. "Is this normal?" "Should I be doing this?" "Should I be avoiding THAT?" I am driving them crazy already.

Symptom-wise, I am doing okay I think. Last Saturday I threw up in my mouth, and when I recounted this to my mother and to my sisters, everyone cheered. I have never had anyone be so excited that I puked. But that was all, really, since then there has been the mildest of nausea. So we're okay so far on that front. Otherwise I am just exhausted all the time. I have to pee every five minutes. And my pants are starting to feel tight, although that is probably because I have been on a Ben & Jerry's BINGE since last Friday!

I have developed some cravings, though.

I am craving the day we arrive at week 13 and I can (sort of) exhale.
I am craving a real, true sign that someone is "in there" - like the baby's first kicks (which are many, many months from now).
I am craving the day I can leave my new/old job for a new/new job - motherhood. I feel like I am on a 9-month job interview or something.
More than anything, I am craving a way to figure out how to use this blog to express my excitement and happiness about finally getting to this point, without upsetting my friends who are still waiting for this sort of news for themselves, or who have reached the point of acceptance that baby-by-pregnancy won't happen for them.

I think that has been the hard part for me this week, I have wanted to post but have had maybe a bit of guilt in writing a giddy-happy-go-lucky post about all of this when I know who reads me. The thing is, I feel no different at all. I don't feel changed by this at all - not yet. This is the thing that even Anthony doesn't get - just because you get pregnant, you aren't "cured" from infertility. Infertility is a part of me, it became me, and it will always define me. I am the exact same person I was one week ago, when my RE had told us our best bet was to stop trying to get pregnant. I am the same person, except that I am trying to sort out this new wrinkle, this WONDERFUL yet odd new wrinkle.

I promise I will try to be mindful when posting, because I don't want my excitement and joy to upset others. But I will also use this blog as my much needed journal. It is a tricky line, because if this were a paper journal my entries would be a little more animated than these are. But I have an audience, and I think it is always important to respect those who read me.

So that, my friends, is my biggest craving right now: to figure out a way to write about how excited I am with what is happening to me, but to do so in a way that I don't alienate my blog friends, who I love and who have helped me tremendously over and over again. And equally important, I don't want to alienate myself either. It will be tricky, but I am going to try to find a way to do this to the best of my abilities.

IF THINGS HAD BEEN NORMAL...

On Friday evening and all day yesterday, I experienced pure elation. I was walking on air. I still couldn't really believe it, but yet they hadn't given me bad news. I was happy, happy, happy. We told my mom and dad, who cried with joy. We told both of my sisters who were in total disbelief. We went to see Anthony's mom, since we wouldn't see her for Easter, and told her and Anthony's step father the news, and they cried with joy. We called Anthony's dad, who doesn't fully understand the whole IVF process, and gave him the watered-down version. We told him that we received "encouraging news but wouldn't know for sure until Sunday's results came in." Then we told him we'd see him on Sunday at Anthony's Grandma's house. We were happy, happy, happy.

Then, I woke up this morning completely and utterly terrified.

What had we done? We didn't know what today's beta would bring, it could bring horrible news and yet we told all these people and allowed them to get excited for us. We allowed OURSELVES to get excited for us! Who were we kidding?? Who did we think we were, this doesn't happen to us - we've got three solid years of history to prove otherwise. What had we done? Why did we tell everyone? I woke up today utterly scared and feeling foolish, feeling semi-fraudulent.

You see, the problem is that if you are an infertile couple and you are out of the closet with it, normal situations don't apply. If people know you are going through an IVF cycle, then they know that you are getting a test result back, and they expect to be told what the results are. We don't have the luxury of keeping a pregnancy quiet or between ourselves, if everyone important to us knows that we are going through In-Vitro. And we never really considered this, because I don't think either of us truly expected to be in this situation. How on earth are we going to tell everyone if we get bad news today? We decided that if we got good news, we wanted to try to find a way to salvage some of our privacy, if that is at all possible. We realized we are not ready to hang up a billboard for everyone to see, announcing our pregnancy. It is just too soon and there are just too many hurdles still ahead of us. Including today's.

Anthony's brother drove to our house to ride with us to Grandma's. Just as we were getting ready to leave, my cell phone rang - with the number from the clinic. I held my breath and answered the phone cautiously.

And my beta was 133!

It MORE THAN doubled!

Music to my ears, let me tell you. I hung up the phone, told Anthony, and then we told Anthony's brother that we were finally pregnant. We asked him, though, to keep it quiet. We decided to pull Anthony's dad aside at Grandma's and tell him in private, because we weren't ready for that whole side of the family to find out. Not yet.

If things had been normal - if we had not gone through 3 years of struggles, through numerous fertility treatments, through sharing our cycles of grief with our families - if things had been normal and we could have conceived on our own, we'd have the luxury of "not telling yet."

As it turned out, we walked into a house full of Anthony's family, all on the edge of their seats, saying "Well????....Are you????" Apparently Anthony's dad had told everyone that we were awaiting confirmation of our pregnancy. So now that whole side of the family knows, and gave us big hugs and congratulated us over and over. I don't know if they heard me when I said "It's really early, you know - we're only 4 weeks!"

I am so thrilled, do not get me wrong at all. But I am not telling my extended side of the family yet - not until I feel more sure about everything. Because although I am beyond thrilled and totally happy, I am still feeling somewhat fraudulent today.

Call it paranoia. But how can I NOT be paranoid, really?