DON'T CRY FOR ME

Your comments and emails are so appreciated, I cannot even begin to tell you. However, there was a genuine common thread through all of it that I wanted to address. Nearly everybody that has responded has, in one way or another, told me how sorry they are for me that I am going through this.

Please, don't be.

I am not someone to feel sorry for. Be happy for me. Through all the difficulties and all the struggles I am having with Amanda, I am still overwhelmingly happy for me.

The fertility clinic called Anthony at work yesterday to find out if we had had our baby, and they told him that she was no doubt a "miracle child."

Don't we know it!

Even on days like Sunday, when I am riding in the backseat with Amanda on the way to the hospital, crying my eyes out, I still feel fortunate underneath it all. Those tears are an expression of the most intense love I have ever felt in my entire life. I have never known what THIS kind of love could truly be like, the kind of love that makes my heart cry when I see my child in the tiniest bit of discomfort. If you can follow my logic here at all, it is the most amazing feeling in the world.

Oh, and although Amanda is not 100%, the cold is MUCH better, so she is almost out of the woods. And (knock on wood) since she has switched to the latest formula, the colic has all but disappeared, and in addition she immediately began to sleep through the night! I am optimistic that easier, happier times for both Amanda and us are just around the corner.

SO DIFFICULT

I feel like I haven't stopped crying since Sunday. Amanda's stuffy nose migrated. We thought, overnight Saturday night, that maybe her cold was getting better because all of a sudden her nose sounded clear. On the contrary, the mucus and phlegm had moved out of her nose and into her throat and upper chest. All I could think was "pneumonia." Saturday she seemed okay, but Sunday she developed such a harsh cough (it sounded like an adult hacking up a lung) that we took her to the emergency room.

This poor kid has now been to the E.R. twice in ten weeks. What gives?

After four hours at the hospital, after two chest X-Rays, an RSV culture and all other sorts of poking and prodding (which has made Amanda ten-times more miserable than she already was), we were told that she has a viral infection and that she was probably through the worst of it by now. "Keep doing what you are doing," we were told, so we continue to give her saline drops in her nostrils and to have her sleep at night propped upright in her car seat.

Yesterday, she seemed a lot better. Then today, after feeding her with her morning bottle, she proceeded to throw up the whole thing PLUS some. I have never seen so much throw-up in my life. And she was screaming trying to throw up more. As though she has a big gob of mucus stuck down there and she is trying with all of her might to cough it up. So now I wait for her doctor's office to open up at 9:00AM so that we can bring her in AGAIN to see if she is worse, better, or has something new.

This is the hardest thing EVER. My little baby has not been well since week 3, and she will be 11 weeks this Thursday. Although I know rationally this is not my fault, I cannot help but feel guilty. This little baby expects me and her daddy to take care of her, and so far she has spent almost 75% of her little life unhealthy. Her doctor says "It is a bad time of year, there are viruses out there and she has never been exposed to any of them - she is bound to catch stuff - it is NOT your fault." But I feel like I am failing her, over and over and over again. As I said, I don't think I have stopped crying since Sunday.

The colic seems to be better? She has been on the new formula since last Wednesday night, and aside from an episode Thursday night, the colic seems to be all but gone. We are assuming that on Thursday night she was still getting the soy formula out of her system. But it is so hard to judge, too, since she has been so sick perhaps she just doesn't have the strength for a screaming fit. Which is so sad.

Who knows? The guesswork that comes with motherhood is killing me. I am such a black and white, results oriented person. This open-ended "try this" or "maybe it is that" approach that inevitably comes with parenting is such a major adjustment for me. I like definitive solutions to problems, and have learned quickly that no such thing exists with this job.

I hope I get better at this, and soon. I hope my daughter gets healthy, and soon.

All I can do is hope at this point. I guess?