THE ICK

I am not having a banner week.

I had to do inventory at my company's warehouse on Monday and Tuesday, which made for two long exhausting days - riding around all day on sizzor-lifts which make me nauseous, dizzy, and let's not forget freaked out, seeing that I am afraid of heights. I managed to get coated with dust and dirt that also found its way into my nose, throat and eyes. One shower, two showers - nothing could get all the grime off of me. I wished I could just get back to the office ASAFP.

Today I got my wish - I was back in the office. And after a mere thirty minutes, I wished I was back down at inventory, seeing that a day in the office seems to mean little more than someone finding something to yell at me about. It is so exhausting. Utterly exhausting.

I have the Ick regarding my employment. I have had the Ick about my present employer since the day I started, on February 10 of 2003. I arrived on my first day and was informed that the woman who hired me had been laid off the week prior. This after being told in my interview that the company had a reputation for not laying people off. Ha. I knew it then - foiled again, I was! I should have headed straight for the doors, right then and there, but foolishly I stayed. And I have been repeatedly lied to at this company over and over, ever since. And I have just about had enough.

See, part of the problem is that this job is not the job I want - not the job I thought I would have had by now. What I am SUPPOSED to be doing is being a full-time, stay at home mother, like my sister is doing right now. I never, ever thought that at age 34 I still wouldn't have acquired this job. So, I stayed at my current employer even when it got off to a rocky start because it was only supposed to be temporary.

The only reason I was here in the first place was because I left my high paying high stress job in Boston to help increase our chances at conceiving (the stress was killing me), and once I was unemployed for a few months and STILL not pregnant we agreed that I should go find "some shit job to keep me busy and give me a few bucks, with as little stress as possible until I became pregnant." Now almost two years later, I find myself very stressed at this new job and no closer to getting pregnant. In fact the only criteria that this job met was that it pays crap.

So....enough.

It is a new year, and I have the major "Ick" factor and it is all due to one thing - my job.

Seeing as it may still be years before I get pregnant, this pit stop ain't gonna do it for me any longer. If I am going to be working full time and having any level of stress involved with it (because really, what job has a promise of zero stress?) I might as well be making a decent salary, right? It ought to be worth the aggravation on SOME level right?

Yeah.

That's why I have a job interview on Monday morning.

Of course, the interview is with the company that is the number one competitor of the high-stress job I left two years ago. That would be the same company where I met my husband. Yup, that very same company that recently fucked Anthony over royally. I know I could do this new job well, and I think I would enjoy being back in my old industry. Not to mention it would be a nice fuck-you to my old employer, since they were devastated when I left them and since they recently screwed my husband over. I'd love to be a fly on the wall when the owners hear that I am going to work for the competition. And when this competitor saw my resume, they were drooling - I could hear it in the woman's voice who called to schedule the interview. Unless I do something majorly wrong, I'll get a job offer. This job is mine to lose.

I absolutely, positively want out of my current job.

Now the question is whether or not this new job is the way I want to go. Hey, I said I needed a change in '05.

I've got a few days to decide if this is the type of change I meant.

YOU SAY YOU WANT A RESOLUTION

Okay, I think it is time I put my New Year's Resolutions for 2005 in writing. This is the first time EVER that I am writing them down. I wonder if this will, you know, help me stick with them?

1) I resolve to be happier.

Can a person actually MAKE themself happier? I am not 100% sure on this one, but I do want to give it the old college try. I am really, really getting sick and tired of being such a miserable complaining beast all the time. I spent the better part of 2004 being angry. Granted, I had plenty of reason to BE angry, but still, I can't continue in this manner. I am going to give myself ulcers at this pace. Most of the bad of 2004 is long behind us, and the new year brings me plenty of good things to look forward to. It is time to just decide to have a better attitude, and maybe after a while I won't even have to fake it. Maybe I will wake up some morning in June and realize, "Hey, I AM happier!"

2) I resolve to be a better overall person.

I think one of the things that hit me the most on the day that Kayleigh was born was, Holy Shit, I have a niece. A little person for whom I need to be a role-model. Someone that this little girl can look up to, trust in, come to for advice, etc. I have to grow up and be mature - after 34 years, a responsibility of being a grown-up has been thrust upon me, and it is a little scary. I need to stop using the F-word in every other sentence. I need to have a better overall demeanor. I need to balance my finances better. I need to be an adult. I want Kayleigh to look up to her aunt and be as proud of me as I am of her. It is a strange thing, to suddenly have to be a grown-up.

3) I resolve to continue with my Infertility treatments without letting it control and consume my life.

I cannot have every single aspect of my life revolve around my treatments. I am painfully learning that pregnancy may never happen for me, and I think the sooner I realize this, the sooner I accept this, the sooner I can get over this fact and embrace all the other parts of my life that ARE good and ARE functional. You know, those things I have neglected for the past couple of years like my marriage and my career and my physical well-being. I need to take care of every aspect of my life, and stop focusing 100% of my attention on this one issue, no matter how big this issue is.

4) I resolve to get in shape, exercise more, lose weight, blah blah blah.

Yeah but this year I mean it! (ha ha - said that the last several years too). I've got a wedding to be in, though, so I really ought to take this one seriously.

5) I resolve to stop telling everyone that I meet that Kayleigh is really, truly, the "World's Most PERFECT Baby."

Because really, that's just annoying, right?

6) I resolve to acknowledge the toll our infertility is taking on Anthony.

Honest to God, I really spend a lot of time feeling bad for myself and emphasizing what this is doing to me. It only recently hit me just how hard this all is for him. I have to take better care of my husband and his feelings.

7) I resolve to blog on a more regular basis.

I will at least try. Now that my life SHOULD be calming down a bit. SHOULD be.