SICK AND TIRED

I am taking a risk by putting this post out there, because I am opening myself up to some harsh criticism. Oh well, the point of this blog is honesty. The point is getting what is on my mind "out there." If I have to lie or twist reality then all I am doing is creating a work of fiction, and honestly that isn't going to serve me very well I don't think.

I am sick. Again.

And frankly, I am sick and tired of getting sick.

I have been sick so much through the fall and the winter. And (coincidentally?) each illness has correlated with an IVF. During IVF we are not allowed to take any prescription or over the counter meds of any kind.

But you know what? I just can't take it anymore. I just started a new job and I cannot start off by calling in sick. I am getting so annoyed at my head feeling like it is in a vice and my nose running like a faucet. And the steel wool feeling that is lodged in the back of my throat, just scratch-scratch-scratching away at the rawness - it's all driving me insane.

Enough is enough. Last night, I stood up, apologized to Anthony in advance and said "If this IVF fails I will take full responsibility for not following the rules 100%." I walked over to my armoire, opened the cabinet, and took out two shiny orange Dayquil gel caps. I popped them into my mouth and swigged them down with some water. I sat back down on the bed and started crying. "I just can't be sick anymore. I can't 'tough it out.' I am so done with ALL of this."

Anthony told me it is okay, but I will have the most insane guilt if this IVF doesn't work because I decided to start taking cold medicine.

(IVF patients are allowed to take Claritin, but there is an active ingredient in Claritin which triggers an asthma attack in me, so I cannot take it. This leaves me with NO medicinal options when I get sick. It sucks.)

Although it defies all logic to me, I am starting to wonder if maybe there is something in the birth control pills that I am allergic to? I have gotten this same sickness in every single IVF cycle, around the same point (just before I am to begin my injectibles). It is probably just a coincidence but maybe I can try a different birth control brand for IVF #4, since it is likely I completely fucked this one up already.

Ugh. I just want to catch a break! WHEN??? WHEN!!!??

AN IVF BUDDY

I am happy to report that I am settling in quite nicely at my "new" job. Because I used to work there, I am already getting busy because I pretty much know what I am doing. I just have to dust off a few cobwebs and it is all flooding back to me rather quickly.

I am even happier to report that I didn't realize the extent to which I missed these people. And so many of my colleagues have come up to me and genuinely said "We are all just THRILLED that you are back." I can tell that they are being sincere, too. It is so nice to feel so wanted, and so welcomed. I'm really happy, even if it is only three days back, in my decision to return. My gut really tells me it was the right decision.

One of my old friends there asked me to lunch today. It was great to catch up with her. We got to talking about things in general. What was going on in our lives. I know that she has a three year old son, (I worked with her when she was pregnant with him), and I knew that she had to have some "help" in getting pregnant with him, but back then I was an infertility ignoramus so I didn't know the full story.

It turns out she had her baby boy through the miracle of IUI. She was told she had, at most, a 5% chance of IUI working for them, and lucky for her it did.

Incredibly, she is currently going through IVF. She goes to the same clinic that I go to. She is about a week behind me in her current cycle, and she is doing the same protocol as me! What are the odds, in a 50 or so employee company? We talked and talked and talked and compared notes and before we knew it we had been gone for lunch for over an hour and a half!

It is nice to have this blog, and my blog friends to share experiences with. But it was also so nice to have someone there, in person, to compare notes with, to vent with, to just get it all out there with.

She's my IVF buddy.

Now, I only hope that we either BOTH succeed or BOTH fail, because I think it will be so hard if one of us fails and has to watch the other one glowing with the thrill of IVF finally working.

***YAWN....***

Man, am I tired.

Pulled out of my driveway this morning and the clock in my devil-car read 7:00 exactly.

By the time I put the car in park in the lot across from the office, it was 8:32. Yup, late on my first day back. Fortunately, they know my commute is long and told me to do the best I could on my first day and get in between 8:30 and 9:00AM. Tomorrow I will try leaving at 6:45 and see if it makes a difference.

All in all, today was really good. It flew by, and everyone was so warm in welcoming me back. The owners of the company sent me a beautiful flower arrangement in honor of my first day, and the department manager (who, coincidentally, was my roommate before I met Anthony) took me out for a delicious lunch. It wasn't taking me long to jump right back in to remembering how to use the computer system. It was a pretty good day - it is nice to be back.

But MAN am I tired! I am going to have to get to bed earlier than I am accustomed to. Between getting up at 5:45 which I am SO not used to, to going straight to the gym after work and not getting home until after 8:00PM, these are going to be some mighty long days. Add to that the 3 plus hours per day in my car, and yes, I will be needing more sleep starting now.

On an unrelated note I have been meaning to post about the general state of my blog lately (and my disappointment in it, in the lack of attention I have been giving it, at my misuse of it, etc), but because of my sleepy state I need to choose SLEEP tonight over posting.

I mean, I haven't even signed my Valentine's Day card for Anthony yet!

Speaking of, Anthony and I have now officially been living together for seven years. We moved in to our first apartment together on Valentine's Day, 1998.

Man, time flies when you are having fun, huh?

LITTLE GIRL IN THE BIG CITY

And so it begins...

My unpaid vacation is over. Beginning tomorrow, I've got a new job. My new "old" job.

No longer can I sleep in until quarter-til-eight in the morning. I will be up tomorrow morning at five-forty-five.

No longer will my commute be under a half an hour. I am planning on a solid hour and a half, each way. Leaving my house by 6:45 I am hoping will get me to work by 8:30, including a stop at Starbucks of course.

No longer can I shower and slick my wet hair into a bun on top of my head. I will fully blow dry, style, and spritz my hair with a dash of styling spray so that it looks "just so."

No longer can I throw on the closest pair of ripped jeans and an old tee shirt. I've just finished ironing my skirt and sweater (no suit! I am not ready for that yet!), and I've got the shoes all shined and ready to go.

No longer can I look in the mirror and think, "eh, you look fine." I will actually be wearing MAKE UP tomorrow for the first time in a very, VERY long time.

Phew! I am exhausted just thinking about it. But I am excited too. More money. More benefits. More perks.

Tomorrow, I am a working woman in the city of Boston again. I guess that means it is time for my beauty sleep.

THE WAR HITS HOME

I got an email from my aunt last night - my mother's older sister. The email was sent out to everyone in the family. The jist of it was that her only son - my cousin, B - has been called to active duty and will be reporting to Iraq next month for at least one year.

I can't even begin to express how this makes me feel. He is a few years younger than me, has three sons, one who is merely two months old. He is an officer in the Army National Guard, and now it is his turn to serve his country - my country.

I am at a total loss for words. I barely slept a wink last night. And it is not like I am particularly close with my cousin or anything, but I guess this just makes it all so much more real to me. So much more relevant.

But I have such mixed emotions over it all. I couldn't be more proud of my cousin, of any soldier, who would sacrifice their own safety and security and happy home life to fight in a war for this country. There is some level of honor and dignity in that, and I have the utmost respect.

At the same time, not THIS war. Not for THIS President. I still don't understand why we are there, what the point was. At the beginning it was all about the weapons of mass destruction, and that goal was replaced with the newer goal of usurping Saddam Hussein. Then, the new goal was to expose the link between Al Qaeda and Iraq. Now...well now I just don't know what we are there for. And where are those WMA's anyways, huh? You know, the original reason we invaded this country in the first place?

*sigh*

I just don't know. I watch the news every day and listen to reports that there has been another soldier killed in Iraq from Massachusetts. And now, every day and every week that I hear these reports I am going to freeze for a minute and pray to God they don't say my cousin's name.

I am proud of him. But I don't believe in war. Especially not THIS war. And I don't want to lose my cousin, MY family, over a war I am so completely against. I don't want to lose a family member because George W. Bush and his brilliant staff forgot to come up with a workable exit strategy.

It just isn't fair.