SIGNING OFF....NOW

Moving in with the parents tomorrow. PC packed up and being unplugged.....NOW!

Will be back as soon as I possibly can. Love you all!!!

WHY NOT US?

This is the new slogan being sported by all of Red Sox Nation this morning. Why NOT us?

I can't believe we are going to the World Series.

I can't believe the NY Yankees had the biggest choke in baseball history.

Thank you, my Red Sox, for putting a smile on my face and for making us all believers again.

And that Nike commerical made me cry my eyes out. I wonder how many years they've had that commercial in the vault, just WAITING until we made it back to the World Series.

As Curt Schilling said when he was signed to the Sox, "It's time to break an 86-year old curse."

STILL, I BELIEVE

At last! A post that has nothing to do with IF! (Can you believe it?)

The bigger question is, my friends, can you believe the Red Sox?

I believe. I enter every year with enormous cynicism, and then they turn around and make a believer out of me again. Despite this email joke that has circulated around my office this morning comparing Boston Sports Teams to “men in relationships”:

“The Red Sox are the hard core abusive husband who just absolutely beats the
shit out of you year after year, but you always go back to him cause you just
love him too much and, despite all evidence to the contrary, you believe that
today will be different. Go Red Sox!”

I believe.

This year could be different. So many things have already happened to make a believer out of me, yet again.

This team has broken records in the last four games they played against the Yankees. Game 3, 4, and 5 consecutively broke records for being the longest post-season baseball games in history, with each game going longer than the one before it. I am bleary-eyed from watching these games every night. Even Monday night, for Game 4, I was thrilled that it was a 5:30 game because I figured it was one night where I could watch the entire game AND get to bed early. The game ended after 11:00PM! It almost went later than the NLCS game, which had started three hours LATER than the Sox game!

Last night, though, the Sox broke an unbelievable record. They are the first team in baseball history to begin a series down 0-3 and force a seventh game. Twenty-five teams have started a post-season series down 0-3 and of those twenty-five teams, only two ever made it to a game six. But we WON game six and now it is on to GAME SEVEN!

It is a whole new thing – we are tied 3-3.

Tonight, it is anyone’s game. Could it be ours? God, I hope so.

Last year, Anthony and his stepfather and I watched game seven in our living room, me clutching my Pedro Martinez bobblehead doll to my chest the entire game. We all know how that turned out.

Tonight, the three of us are watching it together again, in our (nearly empty and all packed up) living room again. My Pedro bobblehead is nowhere to be found, but this is okay as I don’t think he helped much last time.

I easily believe we could blow it. We always blow it. And I easily believe our hearts could be broken yet again.

But these guys have already broken records. No team has ever been down in the post-season 0-3 and won the series. That sounds like a record these guys are ready to break.

Not to mention how sweet it would be to hand-deliver to the Yankees the undisputed WORST choke in Major League Baseball history.

I think we Sox fans almost want that MORE than we want to go to the World Series.

Almost.

Yes, I believe again. Let’s hope I am not crying in my beer tomorrow, saying once again “I knew it! I knew they’d break our hearts again!!!”

Anything is possible at this point. Anything.

THE PROVERBIAL WRENCH

So I finally gain the courage to put pen to paper on our Plan B (or, actually, put fingers to keys on the keyboard) a mere two days ago, when suddenly, a wrench has already been thrown into it. A wrinkle. A curve-ball, if you will (sorry I am still on a baseball high, which cannot be helped when you get zero sleep every night watching 5+ hour long games!)

I am still pondering what this new wrinkle means, and until I have thought some more about it I really can't say much yet. Because I don't know how I feel about it, yet.

Here is something I DO know. In fact, if I have learned nothing else from my experience being an infertile couple, I have at least learned this:

You cannot plan life.

Because just when you think you've got a game-plan, you've got a life plan mapped out for yourself, you get a wrench thrown at you.

BABY STEPS - NO PUN INTENDED

This is so hard.

Each day presents new emotions that I am unprepared for, that I thought I had already sufficiently dealt with.

My period started today, the cramps are bad, and as a result I could NOT go to work today. I just couldn't.

We're moving out of our house on Friday, and into my parent's house for about 5 weeks. Maybe it will be helpful. At the same time, my parent's house is filled with stuff regarding Eileen's upcoming baby shower - something I have managed to shelter myself from for a while now. It is time to face that head-on; as much as it may hurt me, it is an important event for my sister and I need to be there for her.

One day at a time, right?

BRITNEY FUCKING SPEARS IS PREGNANT

That's all, really, I've got no words other than the title of this post.

*sigh*



(It's been a long weekend, every inch of my body is sore from packing and moving. I am going to bed.)

PLAN B

(very long post....just warning you!)

I wasn't even sure that I was ready to talk about our Plan B here, but at this point I think I am writing this down just to see it in black-and-white, to make sure that it looks as okay written down as it seems to look in my head. I guess what I am saying is, I am using this blog once again as my therapy.

Here is our new plan:

We feel partially responsible for the failure of IVF #1. Only partially, because we think it is clear we bit off more than we can chew and as much as the answer to infertility is not simply to "relax," by the same token one should never try to go through IVF when they are more stressed out than they have ever been at any other time in their life.

That was what we were - we were going through two of the most stressful life events that a couple could possibly go through (one I have openly discussed - selling the house; the other I am still not able to freely blog about, but it is a big thing, take my word for it). On top of that, we began IVF. I fought with Anthony the week before I started taking the birth control pills, because I sincerely felt that we were "asking for failure" trying to think that on top of everything else that we could also handle IVF. My body was not a temple, but rather a war-zone, and I fully take responsibility for this. Additionally, I am at the highest weight I have ever been in my LIFE. I eat junk food all the time, I get no exercise, and I look and feel like shit. Which in turn makes me depressed, which in turn makes my body a very bad home for life to implant itself. Walking up three flights of stairs makes me short of breath; meanwhile the Tufts 10K roadrace was the other day and when I thought about the fact that 3 years ago I ran that race in just over an hour and now I wouldn't even be able to walk it, it just shows that I am not taking good care of myself. How can I expect my body to work a miracle of growing a life inside of it when it is sick, overweight, and unhealthy?

Here is the thing - we have one more fully-covered IVF cycle. We are going to do it, because it is a gift from our insurance carrier. We need to complete it within six months of the first IVF, which means we need to begin again soon.

First things first, I need to find out if my polyp has grown back in my uterus. I believe it has, because I seem to recall the doctor telling me after my egg retrieval (I was a bit groggy) that they would be placing the embryos on the "other" side of my uterus, away from the polyp. The polyp that has now been removed from me twice.

So the plan is as follows:

Have surgery again if necessary

Begin IVF #2 in an environment that will maximize our chances for success. This will be accomplished by me beginning an exercise and diet program immediately to remove some of my excess weight and get me into better physical condition. This will also be accomplished by me quitting my job.

Yes, that is right. I am most likely leaving my job by the end of the year. We both decided that during our next IVF cycle, the ONLY thing I should be worrying about is "IVF." All external stress factors are to be removed from my life for that temporary time-frame, and I will live in an IVF vaccuum.

Then, if the second IVF does not work, it will be our final IVF, at least for the present time.

Here are some arguements I expect to hear from people, and my honest responses:

Q: "But you only did one IUI and two IVF's - is that really trying everything?"

A: "Yes, but we tried for almost two solid years on our own, we did three months of Clomid, I have had two surgeries so far this year and anticipate at least two more surgeries in the next four months. We've tried a lot of options already, for a long period of time. Three years is a long time to try something like this and get continuous bad news."

Q: "But maybe a third or a fourth IVF would be THE ONE!"

A: "Yes, but I am only covered for 2 IVF cycles. I am not willing to spend my money on a procedure that only has a 30% success rate. I can think of other things I can better spend $20,000 on, and chances are I will have something concrete and tangible for that $20K as opposed to the high failure rate that IVF brings."

Q: "But most women have to pay for IVF, most people aren't lucky enough to HAVE the insurance coverage that you have."

A: "Agreed, and I acknowledge my luck and think it is absolutely wrong that this procedure isn't covered for every woman who needs it."

Q: "You must not want a baby badly enough if you aren't willing to pay for IVF out of pocket."

A: "Ah, not so. The only thing I have ever wanted my entire life, even more than to be a wife, was to be a mother. I never even considered the fact that I may never get pregnant. If I never ever achieve pregnancy, I will mourn this loss with my entire soul. But I refuse to give up my quest to be a mother."

Q: "So, are you considering surrogacy, assuming your second IVF fails?"

A: "No."

Q: "Why not? Don't you want a biological baby?"

A: "Yes, I did always want a biological baby. In fact, I thought it was ESSENTIAL for me to have a biological baby because I never knew my biological father and have missed having that bond in my life. However, the process is taking too great a toll on me. I have lost myself in this process. I have lost my joy that I had in just being alive, I have lost the joy I once had in my marriage. My entire life has been overtaken and overcome by this quest to get pregnant, and I don't think I am CAPABLE of sacrificing any more years of my life to this quest."

Q: "So you are giving up after only one IUI and two IVF's?"

A: "And after nearly three years of trying, let's not forget. I am not 'giving up' so much as giving in, knowing that I have reached MY limit. Knowing that if I continue living my life in this manner the results are going to be disastrous, that I am destroying DAWN in this process. I will give our final IVF everything I've got, and I will maximize my chances as best as I can, but I will also know that if it doesn't work, this chapter in my life NEEDS to be closed for the sake of saving ME."

Q: "So, you won't have children?"

A: "To the contrary, once our final IVF is completed, sometime around February or March of 2005, I will begin my journey to guaranteed motherhood. Once IVF #2 has failed, Anthony and I will begin processing paperwork to adopt a little girl from China."

That, my friends, is our plan.

We'll continue to try, on our "own," indefinitely, "just in case" some stroke of luck ever touches us. But if our second IVF fails I know it will be time for me to stop. Time to get off this horrible, evil merry-go-round. Sure, I could use $20,000 and try IVF again. Or....we could spend that money on an international adoption. Something that has a real, actual CHILD as the reward. Not a 30% chance of one.

Will I be sad that I will never experience pregnancy? Of course. I will need to mourn this loss and MOVE ON.

Will I be sad that if I adopt, I will miss nearly the first year of my daughter's life, and all those major changes that a newborn goes through in the first twelve months of her life? Of course. I will need to mourn this loss, too, but will MOVE ON.

The truth is, somewhere along the line I think we (Anthony and I) have lost focus on what the goal is here: the goal is to be parents. Sure, it would be great if we could do this in the traditional way that so many others seem to do, but this does not appear to be reality for us. But, we can still acheive our dream - we can still be parents - and ultimately THIS is what we want more than all of it. It once mattered that the baby actually grow in my belly. It once mattered that the baby be our biological child. But at what cost to us, the parents?

We want our family. We want to begin doing the most important job we will ever have - parenting. With adoption, we can do this, and the sooner we get the paperwork going on this, the sooner we can achieve this goal. Every day that we have done nothing is one more day that we don't have a baby. Yesterday, still heartbroken with my devastating news, I sent an email to Karen's agency requesting an information packet. (PS - Thank you SO MUCH Karen for providing this link on your website!) I feel so enlightened when I start to think of what this could mean. Just by sending that email, I feel so much closer to becoming a mother than I have felt through ANY of the treatments I have undergone thus far. It is an uplifting feeling.

Some of you may think I am giving up too easily, and that is okay. I don't think I am. I think I am protecting myself from self-destruction. I think I am keenly aware of my limitations. And I also know that I need to start being a mother REALLY soon, dammit, and the road to adoption will actually give me this chance. It is the best odds we have had thus far in our journey.

Is this the road we would have chosen all along? Of course not. But honestly, I feel that this is the road that is going to work best for us for now. We will keep our embryos frozen for a while and in a few years maybe try a few Frozen Embryo Transfers to provide a sibling for our daughter. (our DAUGHTER! God I love saying that!). Is this the road for everyone? Absolutely not. For some people nothing short of pregnancy with their biological child will do. I used to think I was that way myself, but I am learning that ultimately all I really want is the child. Ultimately, truly, it doesn't matter HOW I get that child. I just can't bear to be without that child for much longer. I need to begin to concretely achieve this goal.

And, a couple of things have occurred to me. Eileen, my sister who is due in two months with her first, has agreed to "share" her experiences raising a newborn with me. I basically said to her, "I may never know what it is like to raise a newborn baby, and so I can only live vicariously through you." She fully intends to allow me to share her experience every step of the way. I find the anticipation of HER baby becoming very therapeutic for me. I am going to have a beautiful newborn Godchild very soon, a baby that is a part of my family that I can shower with all of this pent-up unconditional love that I so long to give a child, and my sister is completely open to sharing the experience with me. I think it is going to be a really GOOD thing for me.

Secondly, even though adoption was never a part of our plan, I know that the minute we are in China and we meet our daughter - the minute we look into her eyes and hold her for the first time - we're going to KNOW it, in our hearts, that this was the way it was ALWAYS intended to be for us. This was the way it was all supposed to happen, and we'll look at our new daughter and know that she was always meant to be our beautiful child.