So...for years and years and years I could not WAIT to have a baby, could not WAIT to be a full-time, stay at home mom. I would sit at my desk at work and pine away for the days that my life would be full of nothing but spit-up and diaper changes.
This is why I have learned to never say never. Today, four and a half-months into my mommy-gig, I went on a job interview.
Let me back up for just a second: I still want to be a stay-at-home mom. And I still VERY MUCH want to be home with my daughter, and do not want to put her in daycare if it is at all avoidable. BUT:
- I miss having a paycheck. I have NEVER, EVER had to ask Anthony for money before and it is starting to make me mental. He and I have been together for nine years - we've lived together for eight, and been married for almost five years, and in all that time we have never consolidated our finances. I never had to hide purchases or credit card statements from him, because I shopped with and spent my own money, and I paid my own bills with my own money. Having no income of MY OWN has sort of put a major cramp in my lifestyle that I just cannot quite seem to get used to. It is not a huge thing, not the end of the world, but it doesn't mean I have to love the situation.
- I could use a break from the baby. I FEEL HORRIBLE FOR SAYING THIS ESPECIALLY GIVEN EVERYTHING I WENT THROUGH TO HAVE HER, but it is true. Some nights, I just cannot wait for Anthony to get home so that I can go to the gym and JUST GET AWAY for an hour. The 24/7 of raising a baby is 97% wonderful, and 3% very very frustrating, difficult (like, "impossible" difficult) and upsetting. Sometimes that 3% is just completely overwhelming and a break here and there is required. Just like being in a relationship, you cannot possibly spend every waking second with your husband or eventually you will want to kill him. No? Just me? Oh. But seriously, I love my little pumpkin to pieces, and I love being a mom. But at the same time, there are some days that I stop and think, my life HAS to be more than this. I cannot just exist for the baby and nothing else - there has to be something else that I do for me. I realize that I am opening myself up to a lot of bold criticism here, especially from the infertile world, and I get it because before Amanda and my pregnancy I wouldn't like to hear me saying these things either, but the fact is it happens to be true.
- Brace yourself: I miss working, I miss my job. Yeah, no one is more shocked about this than I am. But the honest truth is, I have spent the better part of the last 18 years of my life working full-time (including full-time summer jobs throughout college). I don't really know how NOT to work full-time, it has been so long. Being a good, over zealous, hard working full time employee in the business world is part of what I am. Or at least, it was WHO I was for a long, long time. It defined a large part of me for a very long time, it basically was the all-encompassing definition of Dawn prior to the next big defining stage of my life: infertility. I was an absolute workaholic and still have those tendencies today (even though I did reign it in a BIT during the baby-quest years). I am stunned and shocked, but I feel a little "off" not having that in my life anymore. Sad as it is to say, I think part of me thrived on those workaholic tendencies of mine.
- I miss the social aspect of work. I miss my friends. I miss hanging out with adults and going out for lunch or for cocktails after work; I miss the work clothes and shopping in Downtown Boston in the summertime on my lunchbreak. I miss it, and that is the truth. Of course I am only focusing on the POSITIVES, but isn't that what we all tend to do?
ANYWAYS...
The job interview was with my employer that I just left in November to go on my maternity leave. Yes, the same employer that I worked for for seven years, then left for two and a half years, and then went back to in February of 2005 only to find myself pregnant three and a half weeks later. And no, I am not going back full-time. Like I said, I still want to be a stay-at-home mom, and I still want to avoid putting Amanda in daycare.
But today, my former employer and I discussed the possibility of me returning to work there on a part-time basis: one day a week in the office in Boston, and one day a week working from home.
Honestly, I couldn't think of a better work opportunity. They actually asked me to come back two days per week. I told them "no," and said if they wanted me two days then one of those days would be working from home. I reminded them that they should know my work ethic by now to know that if anyone can pull this off, I can. They have NEVER been willing to even entertain the thought of having part-time employees...until now.
I am crossing my fingers that this works out. They told me they would let me know by next week. To me, it sounds perfect, but then again anything that sounds perfect is probably majorly flawed, right? I guess we'll see...
