TO BLOG OR NOT TO BLOG?

I cannot express how thankful I am that I have this blog. It has become my outlet; my place to vent, my place to share, my place to scream and cry, my place to rejoice. Much to my surprise, over time I acquired readers, and even more to my surprise, those readers have become friends. Friends that I can talk to about ANYTHING. And EVERYTHING.

Well, maybe not EVERYTHING.

There were some wonderful discussions happening in blogworld a week or so ago regarding blogging and responsibility, and to whom the blogger is responsible – themselves, or their audience. The debate really got me thinking, and I think I fall somewhere in the middle on that subject. I blog, ultimately, for me and only for me. It is my journal; it is where I post my deepest, darkest thoughts. I never really expected to have readers, and I am so grateful that I do. But, because I do, I do try to make an extra effort to be sensitive so as to not offend those who read me. I don’t consider it censorship; I simply consider it being careful.

But I have been thinking about this even more. Do we, as bloggers, also have a responsibility to our non-readers?

I know that sounds like a crazy question. If there are people in my life who do not read my blog, what difference does it make if I write about them?

Well, I think it does matter.

Partially, it has to do with something my mother told me a very long time ago, when I was still pretty young. “Never put something in writing that you don’t want read by anyone.” Though my blog contains my private thoughts, I publish it to the internet. And although I didn’t take any measures to be anonymous, even if I had there is always the chance it could get discovered by someone. And more often than not, that “discovery” will be by exactly the someone you DIDN’T want to find your blog.

Secondly, some things just don’t belong here, in public.

For example, I have recently posted entry after entry about how busy and hectic and chaotic my life is these days. Every time I have done so, I have omitted one item from the list. The omission is very deliberate.

My husband and I have a problem. It is a fairly big problem. It is a new problem, one that we are not sure how to handle. It scares me, it weighs heavily on me, and it keeps me awake at night. I want so badly to write about it, for purely therapeutic reasons, but I cannot. (At least, I cannot write about it here, in public).

As much as I love what this blog has been able to give me – a place to escape for a while and sort through my myriad of emotions – some things don’t belong in my blog. Some things are sacred. My marriage is so important to me, and so special to me, and it is the glue that keeps me together through everything. I believe there are some things that should be kept between a husband and a wife, that shouldn’t be publicized for the world (or even a tiny portion of the world) to see.

Writing helps. It has helped me so much to be able to write about my infertile journey and sort through all these confusing feelings. Feedback helps so much, too, even if for no other reason than to occasionally remind us that we are not alone in our struggles. Writing does indeed help, but I think some things need to be written in 100% privacy. As much as I have a strong need to write about what is going on with Anthony and I, it would absolutely devastate me to find out that he came across my blog and read it and discovered that I was airing our innermost troubles and secrets to an internet community. He knows that I blog, but I think he assumes that I am smart and respectful about it, if to no one else than to him. It is crucial to me that I do show my respect for him.

I may actually start keeping a paper journal for this one specific issue, because I know it will help me. And while I may not get feedback or “comments,” it may help me figure out a solution to this problem.

(I am not writing this to be an alarmist, nor do I want anyone to be concerned; in the grand scheme of the world our problem is not that big of a deal; it just happens to be important and big in OUR world. When the time is right and the problem has resolved itself, I may be able to talk freely about it then).

Bottom line, if I am not as frequent with my comments on your blogs, or if I am not regularly updating my own blog, please be patient with me. I have so much happening in my life right now (mostly good stuff, but oh-so-much stuff) that I am not as attentive to the blogging world as I once was, and as I hope to be again, soon.

Please bear with me!

IVF 101 (FOR BEGINNERS)

I received a comment from Ginger asking why on earth I am taking birth control pills during IVF, if the point of IVF is in fact to get me pregnant.

Great question! I had the same question when I was first informed of this part of the procedure. I have since learned and educated and read and studied everything IVF. I *think* I get it now.

However, I forget that there are people who read my blog who are NOT IVF Veterans, people who are in fact quite fertile. Let me say, as a quick side note, that it touches me that there are so many wonderful friends out there who leave comments and check in with my progress regularly. This literally keeps me going on the really tough days. And the fact that, for some of you, this whole infertility subject is so foreign, and yet you still check in regularly to see what is going on with me, and you care, it just truly means the world to me. Really. So, thank you!

Anyways, I was explaining in an email to Sandra today what the whole IVF process is, and she replied that this helped her to understand so much, and suggested that I use it as a blog entry. So I have.

Now, for all of you wonderful readers who are, in fact, IVF veterans, I REALLY hope that if I have any of this wrong that you will correct me. These are the facts, in layman's terms, as I understand them. I understand that there are many different protocols, but essentially this is what the next two months in "IVF" world will be like for me. There will be a pop quiz on Friday.

My IVF Schedule:

I got my period Monday - that was Day 1.

Beginning Day 2 (yesterday) I am instructed to take birth control pills for 18 days.
This is to completely shut off my ovulation this month all together.

On Cycle day 19 (the day I take the 18th BCP), I will begin with Lupron injections,
another medicine to ensure that I don't ovulate.

I will continue with the Lupron shots for about 7 days until I get my period again.

Then, I will begin taking follicle stimulating injections in conjunction with the
Lupron. This is to make me start producing a TON of eggs, but also to continue to
prevent me from ovulating. At this point I will be going to the clinic every single
day for bloodwork and ultrasounds so that they can closely monitor my egg production
and see how many are developing and at what rate.

When it looks like I have a bunch of mature eggs (maybe around day 12 or so), I will
be instructed to take an injection that night which "triggers" ovulation to happen
in my body. Once I take the shot, it is expected I will ovulate roughly 30 or so hours later.

So....(complicated enough for you yet???) ;-)

BEFORE hour 30, BEFORE I ovulate on my own, I will go to the clinic a day after the
trigger shot, they will put me under general anesthesia (while Anthony will be down
the hall "collecting" a sample) and give me an IV. Then, they will go in with a
suction needle and an ultrasound and literally "suck" all the eggs out.

They put all my eggs and Anthony's sample in petri dishes and watch over the next 24
hours to see if fertilization occurs.

They will call me the day after egg retrieval to tell me how many embryos we have,
and how many are healthy, etc.

About 3 - 5 days later I go back to the clinic where they will transfer 2-3 embryos
(assuming I have 2-3 healthy ones) into me. At this point I will be on bedrest for
4-5 days.

Then, I take progesterone injections for two weeks to maintain a thick uterine lining.

I go for a pregnancy test, two weeks after transfer. If I am pregnant, I continue
with the progesterone injections for 6 - 7 weeks until they are confident that my
own body is producing enough progesterone on its own.

If I am not pregnant, we stop the injections and wait for a miscarriage.

All the while, I am trying to sell a house and I am very busy at work! Should be a
fun couple of months!!!!!!

(For those of you who are IVF Veterans, I apologize if this post was boring or redundant.)

Thanks for reading.

BUSY, BUSY, BUSY!

There is so much going on right now I can hardly breathe. Being at work (which is currently hectic) feels like the only “break” I can catch these days, because at least I am sitting down.

To recap my busy life, for those of you keeping score at home:

Started IVF #1 yesterday (got the results of my biopsy late in the day after leaving three voicemails!)
As a result of starting IVF #1 yesterday, I feel like crap. It has been a long time since I have been on birth control pills, since they scare the hell out of me. More on that another time.

We put our house on the market Sunday evening at 6:00PM. We are trying to sell it ourselves, without the help of a broker, to save ourselves from paying a huge commission. We’ve ALREADY shown the house to one couple, and we have two more couples coming to see it tomorrow night. We have our first open house scheduled for this Sunday. I am thrilled that there seems to be interest, but it is all I can do to keep up with the phone calls. It is great and it is overwhelming. Not to mention Anthony got stuck at work last night and I had to show the house alone. More on that another time.

Work – crazy busy. I am expected to work late during this season. Which is hard to do if I need to go home to show the house. Work is even busier right now for my husband. We are both crazy workaholics these days, which has got to stop at some point but simply cannot, at the moment. Not until we move, at least.

Oh! My parents are moving in with us in less than a week. I don’t know if I have mentioned before that the house we are building is on the same street as a house that my parents are building. Their house is going to be finished much sooner than ours, but we recently found out that the builders are a bit behind. They need to move out of their current home (the house I grew up in!) on Tuesday, and they will be with us for ten days or so, including during our anniversary. Should be interesting.

Still trying to plan my sister’s shower. I am trying to stay as “out of it” as much as I can, not even for the pain factor as much as for the “I simply don’t have time” factor.

Bags? Yeah…bags had to go away in a bin until at least after the first open house is over, this Sunday. For my wonderful readers to whom I owe bags (that looks like bad grammar), please hang in there and don’t give up on me.

There is so much I want to write about these days, but even trying to find time to write on my blog, and to read other blogs, is difficult.

Hey, I guess there is another way to look at all of this. EVERY SINGLE ITEM on my list (with the exception, maybe, of work) is all for very, very good reasons. IVF will hopefully equal bab(ies). Selling the house on our own will hopefully equal moving into big, brand new house without feeling like we got screwed by paying a huge broker fee. Selling the house quickly will hopefully equal not having to worry about THIS issue for very long. My parents moving in will hopefully equal my mother cooking dinner. (ha ha). Planning my sister’s shower means we are getting that much closer to my godchild arriving in this world.

All in all, things are good, but these days I am just too busy to step back and realize it. Things are not perfect by a long shot, but things overall are (VERY BUSY!) okay.

CYCLE DAY 1 - BY A NOSE

My clinic considers cycle day 1 to be "full flow before 3:00PM." Here I am, on the edge of my seat, waiting for my day 1 to get here so that we can start our first IVF, and I get "full flow" at 2:55PM.

I call the clinic and say "I'm confused now, does this mean today is CD 1 or tomorrow is?"

The nurse responds with "Well the clock here says 2:56, so today is your day 1."

Boy, THAT'S real scientific.

But I can't jump up and down and do the "Hey we're starting IVF" dance just yet. It seems that the hospital has not sent the results from my biopsy to the clinic yet. A doctor at the clinic needs to review these and make sure there is no lingering infection of any sort from my prior IUI, before they will okay the IVF to go forward.

So...I am in limbo land. Fortunately, since tomorrow will be day two, I don't need to begin taking my birth control pills until tomorrow evening.

But.

If this IVF cycle gets delayed simply because someone at the hospital is not informed of the urgency in getting my films to my RE, there will be HELL TO PAY.

I am sure I will be pleasant tomorrow, all menstrual and crampy and calling the clinic every hour. "Do you have them yet? Do you have them yet?" I wouldn't want to be a nurse on duty there tomorrow, knowing that I am going to be calling!

MY BODY, THE PAINTER'S PALLET

Weekend in NH was pretty good. So I am 1-3 for this summer's trips to the cottage. Oh well, maybe better luck next summer.

Our house officially went on the market today. Can you say "Holy Shit!"??? I am still looking around here at the million and one things to do before next Sunday's open house, and I just don't know how it is going to happen. The "For Sale" sign on the front lawn is equally exciting and daunting.

My body is also covered with every color paint you can imagine. From touching up the bedroom walls (grey), to repainting the full bathroom (linen white) to touching up the porch and garage doors (maroon) to patching ceiling paint here and there (white), I am a walking kaleidescope.

Not much to say tonight, as it isn't quite midnight yet so there is obviously lots more work I can get done in our house tonight. Hope everyone is well.

And oh yeah! What was I doing the afternoon and evening of my surgery this past Wednesday? When I was supposed to be in bed resting and recovering? Why, I was busy with my mother making balloon animals for my sister's birthday this weekend.

Problem was, neither one of us knows how to make balloon animals.

Goodnight!