YOU DOWN WITH PPD? (YEAH YOU KNOW ME)
Okay ladies, have you ever had a husband or a boyfriend inform you that "maybe" you are overreacting to something because you have PMS? To which you respond furiously that JUST because you are female, it doesn't mean that your emotions should be diminished to a case of excessive hormones - that perhaps, JUST PERHAPS, you are upset over something legitimate? Furthermore, you are the CORRECT AMOUNT of upset over something legitimate? That, just because you are female, it doesn't automatically mean that any negative emotions you experience are irrational and menstrually enhanced?
Yeah, I hate when that happens. Even when the guy is right. I mean, how DARE a man point out to me that I am pre-menstrual? Usually, I can figure this out for myself.
Anyways, I've been having some issues lately, and not only that, I have been having a hard time sorting through the issues on my own. Other people, however, are starting to try to make my business THEIR business, and it isn't helping. In fact, I think it is making things worse.
I'm suspicious that I may be suffering from Post-Partum Depression.
It is just a suspicion though. Nothing is confirmed yet, and I am not certain (yet) that I am going to take any steps to remedy it (yet). Not until I have a better idea of what I am dealing with.
One might say that the mere fact that I am even wondering if I have it, means that I probably DO have it. And that is not a bad theory.
But, I guess, here is the thing that is sticking in my craw lately: other people have started to suggest it to me. And THAT, my friends, THAT doesn't help.
Anthony gets a lot of leeway on this. After all, his way of suggesting it to me has merely been in response to me asking HIM about it.
me: "What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I crying all the time? Do you have any thoughts?"
him: "I don't know...I hate to even bring it up, but do you think it could be Post-Partum Depression?"
me: "I don't know...it could be. I'm not sure."
him: "Well maybe you should talk to your doctor, it could only help."
Can't really get upset with him there. I mean, I invited the conversation topic into play.
But the other day my mom asked me.
mom: "Has it occurred to you that MAYBE your hormones are out of whack?"
me: "Yes, mom, I am constantly aware that I may suffer from PPD and I am constantly on the lookout for it."
mom: "Okay, I just wanted to make sure you are at least THINKING about it. Didn't you used to take anti-depressants before you got pregnant? What was that medication?"
me (getting pissed now): "You mean Zoloft? Mom, I took that YEARS ago. I was off that before I even got married, and I've been married almost five years. Look, maybe I have PPD. But maybe, JUST MAYBE, people could realize that I have been under an INORDINATE amount of stress during the first six months of Amanda's life, and maybe now that I am FINALLY about to return to a 'normal' life and Amanda is FINALLY going to 'begin' to know what a normal life is like, maybe everything will be fine."
mom: "You are right, that is entirely possible. If it helps, I think you have done a good job with the baby, especially with everything else you had on your plate."
At which point I hurry up the conversation because I don't want to talk about it. I am only able to give my mother about half the leeway I can give my husband. Because, frankly, whether I have PPD or not is no one's business but my own. Unless it is putting the baby in harm's way, which it is NOT.
I don't know...I am SO conflicted these days. There are SEVERAL truths going on here, and I don't know which is the biggest contributing factor. One of the biggest truths is as follows:
- I have been living a so-called "stressful existence" for the past six months, and would be majorly stressed out even if I didn't have a baby. Amanda was born and two weeks later was Christmas, then a funeral, then we planned and executed my sister's wedding shower, bachelorette party, and wedding. One week after the wedding I threw Amanda's Christening at our house. Most of the above mentioned events - with the one exception of the funeral - were all nice, fun events -don't get me wrong. But as I have mentioned in the past, no one in my family, least of all me, likes to do anything half-assed. The shower, the bachelorette party, my assistance with the wedding - it all had to be complete and involved in order for it to past muster with ME, let alone with my sister or anyone else. So, as I always do, I had put an enormous amount of pressure on myself with all the things going on January through May of this year. Throw into this mix a newborn baby, WITH COLIC, to a person who had absolutely ZERO previous experience with babies and was terrified at the prospect of caring for one, and...well, you get the picture. Stress-central.
The MINUTE I learned that I was pregnant, and I figured out the due-date, I immediately realized that my sister had asked me to be her maid-of-honor and I was going to be attending to all of my m-o-h duties during my newborn's first six months of life. I was determined that I would NOT let having a baby interfere with me doing EVERYTHING for my sister that I would have done had I NOT had a baby. At the same time, I was not going to let being in the wedding interfere with me doing everything I needed to do for the baby. It was a precarious balancing act, but I did it. I pulled it off. And my sister did not suffer, and my baby did not suffer. The only one who suffered was me, based on the enormous pressure I put on myself to "not let anyone down." I would be supermom and supermaidofhonor at the same time.
Suffice it to say that by the time Amanda's Christening hit last Sunday, I was a mess. I did the best job I could to put on a happy face for all the lovely company that we had, but it was fraudulent. Inside, I was miserable, I was exhausted, I was frustrated, I was tired, and I was spent. Literally, the second the last guest left the house I went upstairs to my bedroom and bawled my eyes out for a solid half-hour.
I plan to post regularly about this topic over the next few weeks, while I muddle around and figure out what is going on and what I need to do. I have felt this way before in my life, both during times of unusually high stress, and during times that my body was going through some sort of major hormonal upheaval. I don't know which this is, or if it is a combination of both. All I know is, I have been here before, and I don't like this place.
In a first for me, I am going to make a "commenting" request. If you have a comment that is NOT constructive, please keep it to yourself. I am going through a tough time right now, and although I take a major risk by having a public blog open to comments from "anyone" out there, I am just appealing to people (the anonymous troll-people) to have a heart. Please don't judge me, because you don't know all the facts. I have barely touched the tip of the iceberg here. The very last thing on the planet that I need right now is some anonymous commenter telling me how I am putting my child in danger or how I am a horrible mother or whatnot. I do a PLENTY good enough job beating myself up (more posts on THAT another time), please have mercy and only offer comments that are supportive or helpful at this time. This is a brief time in my life, I know I am going to get through it and I know that things are going to get better. I think having an opportunity to write about it here can help, and can be a blessing. Nasty comments, however, will take this writing-therapy away from me, because it will prevent me from touching the subject again. I really want to be able to cleanse myself here, so please don't take this away from me.
Thanks so much, I really and truly appreciate it.
