HOW I SPENT MY HONEYMOON

I spent a lot of my honeymoon emailing my family back home.

We flew to Kauai, Hawaii on September 9, 2001, the morning after our kick-ass wedding. That was a 23-hour travel day, so by the time we got to our resort we were exhausted. We barely had the energy to order room service, but we HAD to eat. Then we fell fast asleep.

Monday, September 10th, was the first day of our honeymoon. We soon realized that we were literally in paradise, and we couldn't possibly be happier. Kauai is the most beautiful place on earth, at least the most beautiful place that I have seen so far.

Tuesday morning, September 11th, I was in the shower, shouting out to Anthony in the bedroom some suggestions of what we could do that day. "Want to go to the caves?" "We could take a short day-trip to Maui, I don't think the flights are expensive?" He was not answering me. "Anthony?"

He peeked his head into the bathroom and said "Um, I have ESPN on, I am trying to get the score from the Monday Night Football game, but there is regular news on ESPN. There is NEVER regular news on ESPN. I think something bad happened at home..."

Understatement of the century, Anthony.

On this, the third anniversary of September 11, I decided I would share some of the emails I traded back and forth with our families while we were honeymooning. I think it is important, as time passes, that I never forget that feeling I had when I first learned about everything that had happened that day. We can never forget the significance and the sadness of that day.

These are the real emails shared by myself and our families.

Wednesday, September 12, from me:

"Wanted to check in again briefly due to all the activity that has been
going on at home. We are so upset and basically in disbelief. We went about
our sightseeing yesterday, but with a quiet sadness all day. We miss everyone terribly and it is hard to be more than 5,000 miles away from you all at a time like this.

If anyone that we know in any way was a victim, could you please let us
know by email? The not knowing is terrible. We {the company Anthony and I currently worked at} just finished furnishing a couple of floors of furniture at the WTC towers in NY, so for all we know a couple of coworkers could have been on site, or the installers* that we use, etc. It is so terrible.

We don't leave Kauai until Friday, but even that is up in the air at this point. If all goes well, we'll be in Honolulu Friday through Wednesday morning, and then to Vegas for Wednesday through Friday morning. Flights back to the mainland are on United Airlines. I knew I hated to fly, but I have never been more apprehensive to get on a plane than I am right now.

I have to go, Anthony is waiting at the car. Going to see some caves and some professional surfers today. We love you all and we are thinking of you.

Love - Dawn"

Response from my sister, Eileen:

"Dawn, Anthony - Eileen here... It is so sad and awful and this is really the last thing you want to be thinking of on your honeymoon. Hopefully you are relaxing and not worrying too much!

There still has not been many names said of those in the devastation in
NY... They have listed names of people on the flights but none that we know
of so far, and hopefully there will be none that we know of.

Today was also full of events, bomb threats in the Westin Hotel in
Copley Plaza {in downtown Boston}.. But they have 3 people apprehended there.

Please try to enjoy your trip. I am sure that all will be fine by
the time you return this way... I am glad to hear you arrived safely and we
all wish we could be with you! I love you guys and we will talk soon!

Love Eileen"

Response from Anthony's mother:

"All is well here except for the shock of what happened. B {Anthony's stepfather} knew one of the men who died on the LA flight, He was a hockey coach from the Satellite program that B coaches with. My boss's son works in the WTC but through an incredible bit of luck his first appointment wasn't until 10 AM so he had not arrived at the office yet.

So far only distant connections - N's {a friend of the family} former boss's family had a flight attendant on the LA flight - M {Anthony's brother} thinks MC {Anthony's brother's friend} might work in the WTC - not sure though. It is too horrific to even comprehend. You know my thoughts about flying. Security is going to be extra tight now so we pray everything will be all right. If you two decide you want to stay in Hawaii we'll send money!!!!! If you want to fly into Canada we'll come and get you. I know it's easy to say but try not to let this ruin your honeymoon. You've looked forward to this for so long and there isn't really anything anyone can do by being here. Let us know what your plans are for your return trip. Love you both, M"

Response from my mom:

"Hi Guys, I don't know if you will pick up e-mail but I will send this
anyway. This situation is unbelievable to us. Everyone here is fine. I can't
tell you if anyone you know was on any of those flights. Most of what I have
heard is about people who escaped danger in one way or another. I hope you
can make this time as good as possible. Everything is up & running (except
for Logan {Airport}) and people are going about business. Not that it hasn't affected
everybody, but at this point to knuckle under is to give the terrorists what
they want. {Your company} did send people home early yesterday. I would imagine that
security will be maximum for your trip home. Do try to enjoy every moment
you can...it is important............See you soon...Love Mom"

Response from Anthony's Stepmom and Dad:

"Dawn & Anthony,

So happy that you are both safe and that you are at least trying to have
fun - L {Anthony's dad} said to grab a few rays for us!!!

I suppose traveling will be a nightmare, however just remain calm and
patience and just try to enjoy your honeymoon, no time like the present to
enjoy life.

Stay in touch
Love you and we will talk later,
Have a Pina Colada (sp) for us too!!! :-)"

Thursday, September 13, from me:

"Hello all - thanks for all of your responses. it is so good to hear from everyone and to hear that everyone is okay.

It looks bleak for us flying to Oahu tomorrow. Oh well, we are in one of the nicest resorts in the world, so if we need to stay here an extra night or two, so be it. We've done all the sights, so today we are just going to relax by the pools.

We are trying our best to relax and enjoy ourselves - at the same time, the news is on everywhere we go. I couldn't believe it when we turned on the TV yesterday and there was the Copley Westin {in Boston}!

We'll keep you posted on our location over the next few days, but again I don't think we'll be getting to Honolulu tomorrow or possibly at all at this point.

We love you all and will speak to you soon -

Dawn and Anthony"

Response from Anthony's stepfather:

"It is nice to hear from you. I hope you're having a great time, it has been
very sad around here all week. There has been little to smile about. I don't
know if M {Anthony's mom} told you but, one of our coaches from hockey was on the second plane. MB {the hockey coach} was an acquaintance of mine and his death has really made this too real for me.

On the bright side, many people are raving about the wedding. Great band, great food and great party. I am still excited for you both.

Love, B"

Anyways, I just wanted to share a few of those. There are many more, from when we landed in Oahu and later when we made it to Las Vegas. I refuse to delete these emails from my inbox because I don't want to forget the feelings from those first few days. It is so easy to get caught up in the daily trials and tribulations of everyday life, but the truth is, so many others are in so much pain today, have had so much more sadness and worry and loss than me with my "problems." Time makes us forget, and I don't ever want to forget. I am thinking of all of the people who lost family and friends three years ago today.

*There were, in fact, ten installers hired by the company we worked for at that time, who were finishing the furniture installation in one of the twin towers on September 11. Unfortunately, all ten were told to climb up instead of down - up to the roof, where a helicopter would come to get them. Of course, we all know now that there was no helicopter coming. They were all on the roof of the tower when it fell.

DRUG RUNNER

I am supposed to give myself my first Lupron injection this evening.

Supposed to.

I am out of breath, as I just FLEW home from work as fast as I could tonight, still sick as a dog. As I type this and try to catch my breath, I am reminded of a quote from one of my favorite TV shows, "The West Wing." (I may not be quoting accurately). The scene is in a bar in Indiana, and two high level White House staffers are chatting with a man who spent the day with his daughter touring the campus of Notre Dame. He admits to the two that he doesn't have the heart to tell his daughter that he has no idea how he could possibly pay for tuition at Notre Dame. The quote goes something like this: "I understand that life is hard. Life SHOULD be hard. But...shouldn't it be just a LITTLE easier?"

I think of this quote often these days. I certainly don't mean to go on and on like a broken record about "everything" I have going on these days - you've heard that enough already. However, keeping in mind everything that you know (and don't know) that I have on my plate, here is today's chapter in "why is life so difficult?"

I still don't have my meds for tonight's injection. Seems crazy, huh? Especially since I have known for almost two months now that I was going to be doing IVF and even more since I started taking my birth control pills on August 24th. You'd think between then and today, September 10, there would be ample time to get my meds to me in time.

But no. We have to go the difficult, chaotic route.

When I got my period on August 23rd, I called the clinic to have them order my meds. Ha Ha, how funny that is to me now, to think I could possibly be THAT proactive. I was informed that they still needed "Final Approval" from my insurance company before they could order my meds, and additionally that they couldn't request "Final Approval" until after my post-op appointment with my RE. Fine, I thought, Sept 1 is my post op appointment, we'd be pushing our luck, but this is the policy.

I had my appointment where basically my RE said "Well we're ready to go!" and that was it. Why we had to wait for this monumental appointment is beyond me. So I asked, "Will we be requesting final approval now from the insurance company?"

She pulled up my file on her computer. "Oh, well yes, we need final approval, you are still in RED status. Hopefully there won't be any hold ups."

???????????

"Um," I said, trying to remain calm, "the only reason we shifted gears to DO IVF is because you told me my new insurance carrier covered IVF. Do you think there is going to be a problem?"

"Oh, yes, that's right," she said, it coming back to her. "No, it won't be a problem, but we cannot order your meds for you until the approval comes through. Oh..."

"Yes?" I said, getting nervous.

"S, our insurance coordinator, is out until next Tuesday."

"That's cutting it awful close, no?"

"Well, I will make sure it is her first priority on Tuesday."

So, of course, I called S on Tuesday, and true to my RE's word she actually knew what I was calling about and had already requested final approval. "When do you need your meds?" she asked.

"Friday night."

"Okay, it may be tight, but I will keep after them."

Wednesday, I called her back. "Any word?"

"Not yet. I'll let you know."

Thursday.

I called her again. "Any word?"

"Nope. Let me call them again," she said.

End of the day, she finally calls me to let me know the good news about the two covered IVF cycles with ICSI. "I've given your drug order to the nurses, the pharmacy should call you this evening."

Sure enough, the pharmacy called to confirm the order, get a credit card (of course!) and ask when and where I wanted the delivery. I requested that they deliver my meds to me at work on Friday.

So today, I am at work...waiting...and waiting...and waiting...and waiting.

At noon, I call the pharmacy to get the FedEx tracking number. I can already tell it is going to be a fiasco when I am on hold for twenty minutes ans she comes back to say "Is there a phone number I can call you back at?"

I get a call back half an hour later, stating "FedEx forgot to pick up your package last night. I am so sorry about that. When do you need your meds?"

"Today," I say, "But I will come to get them." In the back of my mind I know it is an hour-and-a-half drive there.

"We'll gladly courier them to you, at no charge."

I'm hesitant at first, but then say "That would be wonderful. Will they be here before 5?"

"Absolutely."

And I wait...and I wait...and I wait.

At four, I call them to see if they had an "ETA" on the courier. I am told that he definitely picked the package up "a long time ago" but that they had no way to get in touch with him. This startled me. "No way to get in touch with him?" He's got between $3,000 and $5,000 worth of fertility drugs with him and no way for anyone to contact him? Please.

At five, when the office starts to lock up, I begin to panic. I stand in the lobby for about twenty minutes waiting for the phantom courier, and then I lose my mind.

I call Anthony and ask him to please handle this because I am about to have a fucking meltdown. He calls me back and says "okay, the courier has been redirected to our house, just get there NOW."

ARRRRRGGGHHHHH!

So I sprint to my car and race home, and as I sit typing this post the courier rings the doorbell to deliver my meds.

On the one hand, I know I shouldn't complain - I have full insurance coverage and my $3,000 meds cost me only $100 in co-payments. But.

Shouldn't this - COULDN'T this - have been just a LITTLE easier? Just a little?

Oh shit, it just occurred to me that I have to give myself an injection tonight! In the chase for the drugs, I sort of forgot what it is all about. I sometimes forget what ALL THIS is ALL ABOUT. Pregnancy. Babies.

Yeah, right. I'll believe it when I actually see it.

A CURE FOR WHAT AILS ME

I am still sick as a dog.

My posts are mini-sized, because sitting at the computer for long stretches makes me dizzy and lightheaded. I am missing tons of work and I am falling oh-so-far behind. *sigh*

All I am allowed to take for medicine right now is plain robitussin, regular strength tylenol, saline nose drops, and Vicks vapo-rub. None of it is really helping much at all.

That being said, I'll be getting my own personal version of "crack" beginning tonight, and the feeling is oh-so-good.

I am, without question, and reality show junkie. I do not really watch the dating shows, but I love all the strategy-based shows. LOVE them. Tonight begins "The Apprentice, Season Two." It doesn't get much better than that. Except for, of course, the granddaddy of all reality shows, "Survivor," which starts NEXT Thursday.

I am sick, I am stressed, and I am depressed, but nothing is going to keep me from my favorite shows. Sad, isn't it, that this is what excites me these days?

I realize, too, that I am one of the few true football fans who will NOT be watching my team, defending Superbowl Champs, kick off the 2004-2005 football season tonight. But I need a little dose of "You're Fired!" right now, and I need it bad....

WE ARE UNDERWAY

So the news is good, but there is a catch (isn't there always?)

My mini-battle with the insurance company is over, for now. I have been approved for Two IVF cycles with ICSI, to be performed within a six month period of each other. This is not the original six cycles as I had originally thought, but again, how can I complain? It is still two fully covered cycles. I am very fortunate. It just means more pressure for one of these two cycles to work.

I questioned the insurance coordinator about the ICSI. ("ICSI" is a procedure where basically they force the sperm to penetrate the egg, rather than putting egg and sperm in a dish side by side and hoping fertilization occurs naturally.) My understanding was that ICSI is only used when there is a male factor or when the patients are both over age 37. Interestingly, what the insurance coordinator explained is that although my RE only wrote us up for standard long-protocol IVF, she (the insurance coordinator) put us in for ICSI to see what would happen, and they are covering us. It doesn't mean they will use ICSI, but if they decide to we have coverage, so that is a great thing.

They are ordering all of my drugs as we speak, and I should receive them tomorrow. Tomorrow evening will be my first Lupron injection. Oh boy, here we go!

SEPTEMBER 8

"Today the tempestuous sea

lifted us in a kiss

so high that we trembled

in the flash of lightning

and, tied together, descended

and submerged without unraveling.

Today our bodies became immense,

they grew up to the edge of the world

and rolled melting themselves

into one single drop

of wax or meteor.

A new door opened between you and me

and someone, still without a face,

was waiting for us there."

Poem entitled "September 8," by Pablo Neruda

This poem was read by my sister Eileen on my wedding day, three years ago today. It was the perfect day, in every sense of the word. Even with my florist forgetting my bridesmaids' bouquets, it was the perfect day.

Today is about as opposite that day as one can get. I am sick as a dog and barely able to get out of bed (thus my lack of blogging for several days). I cannot hardly take anything for what ails me due to our IVF cycle, about which I am currently in the midst of a bloody battle with my new insurance carrier. My husband's brilliant friends scheduled the Fantasy Football Draft tonight, on our anniversary. Not that it matters, I am a useless date tonight in my sick condition anyways. The draft is in New Hampshire, so by the time he gets home tonight it will no longer be our anniversary. (side note: for two people who live on the south shore of Massachusetts, we spend WAY too much time in the Granite State.) My parents live with us now, which is fine but can make for a crowded house. And our "problem" is still hovering over our heads, refusing to get resolved.

Ahhh...but enough complaining.

I never could have predicted this life I am living, three years ago. I never could have known our struggles and heartaches and difficulties. Not in a million years.

But, the absolute truth is, if I was told on this day three years ago that all this difficulty was in our future, it wouldn't have changed a thing. He is my love. He is my only. We belong together. I wouldn't trade any other version of my life for what I have with Anthony now. As tough as life can be, my life is still perfect with him in it.

(Being so sick, this is as much as I can post tonight. I am crawling back to bed. I hope all is well with everyone.)


sept 8, 2001